frustration levels are to their max;;

I have only said the phrase "I can't do this anymore" a couple times in my life, and honestly meant it at the same time, and I could probably tell you each time it was. Looking back on those moments, do I still think I couldn't have done anything anymore. Yes. However, getting over those situations when I had nothing left to give made it easier knowing that I honestly couldn't do it anymore. I am not superman, I know I am not perfect and it's ok to realize that sometimes I can't do everything all the time.

I feel like this today. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. but in all reality, I CAN. which is why this puts my frustration levels to maximum capacity. I am so tired of being in a long distance relationship. I don't want it anymore. I want this person more than ever, but if they aren't around, is this just turning into me wanting something I can't have?
I am honestly sick and tired of saying I love you, I miss you, I want to be there, or any other phrase that fits into that category. They start to become empty words, they have no meaning. Words are nothing unless you can SHOW them, and right now, I can't show anything. I honestly probably say the phrase "I miss you" an average of 10 times a day, but does it really get through when a person just hears it all the time. I am tired of being alone, and sleeping with my computer on. I hate being attached to every piece of technology I own just to feel like I am a part of someone's life. IT IS EMOTIONALLY DRAINING. and usually when you are mentally drained, you have other parts to pick up slack, like physically, but there is no physical anything. I am physically attached to a computer, a telephone, or a stuffed penguin.

I want to go to dinners, or at least make them, I want to be touched with cuddles or hugs, I want kisses, I want to hear real laughter and see smiles that I bring. and most of all I want to be held on days like today where I am not my strongest, I want to be told it's ok and I love you and hear it from an actual mouth instead of speakers.

I'm tired. not of you, of the miles.

22 mother effin days;;

haha I am so excited that I get to see you in roughly 22 days, maybe 23 if I go to California with my family. But still, I am so excited. I miss you more than you will ever know and I hope each day you never forget that! I love you!!!!!

Guess it could be worse;;

So of course all I think about these days is you and the fact that we are apart. I hate it!! So much!!! But then again, when I think about it and try to be positive, it could be a lot worse. At least you aren't a missionary. Yea I know it's a bad comparison for you because that's a Mormon thing but it's true. When the guys are away they can only write letter. That means no seeing your face on Skype or texts, calls, or social networking for a whole 2 years. I would wait for you then too but I am going to try my hardest to look at the bright side of things. These little amounts of time we spend apart will soon not even be a thought in my mind when I see you. I remember all the times I cried and missed you while I was waiting for summer, but the second I saw you, I forgot I even waited that long. You make me so happy and I know you're worth waiting for. And I want to wait for you so I can be with you forever. I love you baby. Just a little bit longer!!!!! Kisses from here to there, all over your body! :)

whispering panties;;

I am laying here in your bed, smelling haha. I LOVE YOU BABY.

Miss you;

Yep I still think about you allll the time and I always read what you had to say. Funny stuff sometimes.

I miss you and I can't wait to see you!

Love youuu!

You mean so much to me! I'm excited to see what our future has in store :)))

Winter wonderland;;

You know, in a weird way, the snow makes me happy only because I think of you and how much you have of it lol

I love you though!!!! So much!!!

Make my life;;

You make my life. That's the first time I've ever fallen asleep on Skype!

You are simply amazing. I love you so much!!!!

You make me the happiest girl ever!!!! <3

I will still write on here!


Love you!!!!

No worries;;

Baby boy, I have full faith <3

I wish I was lying in your arms! :)

Shave;;

Shave tonight so you can do March mustache :))))

Forcing cuddles huh? Just Skype me after the game. Maybe you have too much going on the Internet cant handle lol

Was I ever a slam piece?! :)

Penny?

Haha she's not a dime?
Even for an elder person?

Please Skype with me at least before I go to bed, I'm nervous about the next 12 hours!!!!

#inneedofqualitycuddles

Just text me, I'll blog.

Talk dirty to me!!!

No Internet?

Failure Alaska;;

Noooooooo. FAIL.

Bahahahaha!

Mask!

Ok well text me when you are home. I'll grab my computer so I can watch this game :)

Growl baby;;

Beer sounds kinda good lol I think my mom is going to mail me that growler we bought in Vegas :)

Apple a day;;

Oh and of course we couldn't come to the mall without the usual. I got a little piece of you!!! :) <3

Smile for freckles;;

Well I hope you check this when you get out of the funeral, I hope it went well and your tie turned out nicely :)

I just ate at red robin with mommy, yummy. Wish you were here to join. Text me when your done.

I love you more than you knoww! :)

I love you too! So much. <3

Good :)

I think you should still go out there. She misses you, a lot!!!!

Maybe it will be good for you two.

Under over under up and through babe :)

Wish I could tie it for you!! Pic?

What time is it at? I want a pic of you and your dad together!

Babe you can always vent, I'm here for that and I love when you do!!!!

But again, you can't control her choices, just do what you have to do.
How is your dad today?
Tell him hi and I'm sorry for the loss, everything will be ok!!!

Well there is nothing you can do about it babe :/

Does your mom embrace the native?
Maybe shawna is just like your mom?

Babe you don't mean that!

And the step side of your family isn't bad!!!
Maybe they are just busy?

If not, don't worry about them, just worry about you.

She isn't going to the funeral?

Support;;

You are a lot of people's rock baby, including mine. And your dad's.

I'm glad you are going, at least for him. Youre a great person and a lot of people want you there. I'm proud of you.

I hope everything goes well today and tell your mommy I say hi!

Mwuahhhhh! :) <3

Morning baby;;

I hope you have a great day also! Hopefully this is the last day I can never talk to you again!!!!!

Do something fun! And smile big!!

I love you!

Here are some morning kisses!!!!

Thanks for leaving me with that thought babe :)

Sleep amazing handsome. I can't wait to hear from you in the morning <3

Buffness much?

:)

Babe?

I am up. Take your time, I'll wait for you.

We miss you!!!

Sorry I didn't get ahold of my moms phone, I love skyping you and seeing your face, I love hearing your voice!

I do think I run the relationship, I just keep everything in order lol and I am going to try my hardest to come see you this summer. Promise.

Emily is very nice, seems very chill. I like that! :) very gorgeous too!!!

Well I'll be waiting up, love you.

Your post;;

Made my freaking night and week!!!!!!


I love when you post shit on my Facebook!!!!!! :))))))

I like it!!! <3

Shit talking;;

Yessss look who lead to victory! My boy!!!! :)))




Whatcha doing babylove?

Make my night;;

That just made my night!!!! You are unbelievably adorable!!!!

I can't wait to be with you again, wherever it may be!!! :)

I hope you had fun watching the sled racing!

I'm glad we get along well. I will keep everything under control in our relationship if you just back me up! :)))

I love you unconditionally!! <3

I got two! One of BWW and the other of a truck?

I have a question.

Do you like that I run our relationship?
I mean this in a serious way lol
I always try and take care of our laundry and chores and what to eat, etc. do you like that?

And does it bother you that I just tell you to do things? For example go get the groceries or fix this.

Blog it :)

Dog sledding;;

Noooooo I'm so jealous. Take me with youuuuuu!!! :/

I've always wanted to do that!!!! Are you going to actually have a sled or just watch?!!!!!! Take pictures!!!! Who are you going with?

I miss you too!!! I hope you slept good! Plans for today??? :)

I miss youuuuu!!!!!

Good morning babe!!! Sorry about the ring comment, it came off wrong. I just want some jewelry for my birthday! Native earrings :)

I love you and I hope you have a good day! Text me!

Hopefully two more days!!!!!!! Fingers crossed. Have they called yet? :/

I love you!

I try lol.

Ok well I'm falling asleep. I love you. Sleep right and text me tomorrow lots!!! :))

I want a ring!

That's awesome!!! I wish I was there to help!! Something you didn't know about me, I love working on cars/engines. I used to do it to my
Quads alllllll the time when I was little.

Tell Tom I said hi if he remembers me! You are so handsome!!!! <3

I'm lying in bed in the exact position I would be in if you were here.
Handy man? I can dig ;)

How was your day?

Good. I miss you. Will you talk to me for awhile? I just finished homework!

Keep texting me!!! :))))

From Cheney to Anchorage :)

Bahahahah!!!! Whaaaat?

Go catch one for me!!!!!

Thanks babe!!!!!! Same to you!!!!

I miss your cuddles.

And I hope it stops snowing!!! It has here! :)

Have a good day and text me later! :) <3

My mom just asked for the air mattress!!!!!

Ok good!

I'll let you go. If you get the urge to send a kiss or picture please do!

I hope you feel better and sleep good. Have amazing dreams and stay warm without me!!

I love you. <3

Ohhh ok. I saw those!!! You are so amazingly sweet! I love you.


I'll sleep with you again soon. Don't let anyone have my spot!!!

Its ok! You just owe us :)

Where's the surprise in the bathroom?

Now write me a letter please and send it this week so I get it!!!!!

:)

Mommy is here. I miss you.

Babe I love you too!

Even though you didn't write me a letter, let me no surprise in my bathroom and didn't buy me another gallon of milk.

How was your shower?

Skype soon?

Well I'm just watching the game and then we can sometime after that!?

What picture? Thank you though! :)

I miss you.

#west

Yes please. I would love that. Sometime before 10 my time please

Love you also.

Leave me a voicemail. I just want to hear your voice!

I will look into that, I love you.

Have fun tonight babe! Send me pics! :* :) <3

Be there in a little babe :)

I know, I looked when you left to see how U of A did, and saw lol. Well just text me, enjoy your night babe!

Fort and pizza don't forget!

What the change of plans lol
Get over here.

I'm only making it if you help me!!! We do this together!!!!

And yes a fucking fort :)

But are you in a pizza mood?

I will go get you pizza shit. Lol

I'm not upset lol but you do owe me a fort sometime soon! :)

Well I'll be home. See you when I see you. Tell Hiram we aren't going out please.

Alright well we can go out another night I guess. Maybe tomorrow after we eat sushi? :)

But what are you hungry for? I have all pastas.
Hamburger.
Chicken.
One leftover Salisbury steak. Haha
Tuna.
Spagettios.
Taco shells.

Well Hiram still said hell go out because "it doesn't cost to hit on bitches at the bar" lol

I am always down to go out. I will drive myself. I don't have to drink, you just have to dance one song with me! :)

Right now I am just eating and doing a little reading.


Thoughts?

Thankyouuuuu!!! I don't have much longer

I love you

Too late :) I'm home. Come over :))

Come over, I'll take care of you. Make you food and dessert :)

Thinking about going to the no pants party or the jungle party if I can scrape up $5.

You have plans! Those sound so good!!! I haven't had dinner yet. But I'll always eat.

What were you thinking? :*

Start the biscuits baby love

Yesssss.

I texted Jim!

Done with everything today! I'll be home

Hope you slept good babe. Happy valentines day!

Hope you have a great day! I hope you get lots of valentine cards from all your valentines :)

Love ya

Alright well goodnight to you too!

Well you said you would be here so it was going to be a surprise, but the surprise was for me, because you really aren't here. But it's fine.

I'll just see you tomorrow? I'm upset, I feel ditched and idk why you ask me what my dinner plans are and you ask what I think after I tell you shaq doesn't want to come over.
Why ask what I want when you won't really bother to listen and do it. I tell you I want you to come and I'd like to see you but you aren't here.

Idk, just sucks.

I guess.

Well what I had was for tonight but you aren't here ://

Have a good night.

I also feel like either you or shaq is lying to me :/

But you said you would stay. I will be leaving the house at 8:30 anyways, do you need anything earlier?

Where are you sleeping if he is staying there?

Well I wish you were here, you said you would stay tonight. Buuut :/

Will you at least text me a good night or something?!!

I take that as a no you aren't coming over. Have a good night babe.

Well seen how there's no tacos tonight I might just have a bowl of cereal.

Where are you right now? Are you coming over or no?

What do you mean make me wait?

Shaq said he doesn't want to do it but I would love to see you.

On my way home!
Grabbing clothes?

Are you buying the meat? :)

Tacos tonight??

If so can you just buy the meat we need for you me shaq and Britta!?

I'll get the condiments and shells.

What time do you think you'll be done with your game?

Wanna shower tonight?

Yep lol :)

Well you know where I'll be! Besides the gym at 4:30 :)))

Ohhh ok. Lol

Well good luck if I don't see you today!!

Yea Britta wanting shaq is old news! Did she finally tell him?

What are your plans for today?

I had a dream that we were driving in the car in Las Vegas and a cop pulled me over and I went to jail, you laughed. :/

Ok well good night to you too!!!! :/

Just don't worry about it.

I have class on Tuesday. Have a good night.

I'm at eagles. Can we go home? Is Jim up?

I got her ID :))

Please stay up or put your phone on Loud

Me and BBB came to the bars :)

I will be home. I would love for you to come over. Can I come get you when I get back in Cheney?

I'm in Spokane right now. Are you going to come over at all?

I'm in Spokane right now. Are you going to come over at all?

So what's your plan tonight?

That sounds good.

Well just let me know if you go to Moscow tonight.

Be careful it's getting super foggy. If not the door is always unlocked.

How was your day?

No one. No one ended up coming over so me and Britta went to zips for ice cream.

Well that would be fun! If you do, be safe. <3

Why would you go to Idaho?

I think you already know the answer to that question!

I have no plans. I'm folding your laundry and just going to make dinner.

Have a good night.

Ps. I didn't use your card for the movies.

Are we doing breakfast? :)

If you are coming over I need to know first. People are coming over and I don't trust them to not keep it secret! So please be safe tonight!!! I love you. See you in the morning!!!!!! <33333

Well okay but if you change your mind the door is always unlocked. But I love you and have a good night and be safe.

Also a breakfast sounds really good. But I don't have any cash monies right now. I love you. Just let me know whatever the plan is.

Are you going out? Or just going home?

Change of mind;;

:/

I'll be here and the front door is unlocked.

I just have counseling at 11am tomorrow.

If not goodnight and I love you!

<3

Cuddles?

Wanted;

Man with great smell who is tall and warm. Needs to have long arms to hold me tight. He must be aware that I have a huge headache and I'm very stressed so I just want to lay down and relax. If he can be comforting then he's perfect. I only accept natives as I am a native myself :)

I just need a man for tonight. Rides will be giving in the morning when needed. I even make breakfast!

Shiiiiiiit!!!!!!!!!! ://////////////

Hurrrry come over!!! Let's shower!!! Eat!!!!

Type of food sounds good?

I'll think of a dish.

Tacos?
Fettuccine Alfredo?
Chicken pocket squares?

Ready for the night;;

Just got done working out!!!

I will decide and see what I can do for dinner :)

I'm so excited!!!!

9;;

Good luck tonight babe. I hope to see you around nine. Text me what you want for dinner. I love you!!!

I might be going to a movie tonight but I will be home ASAP!!!

All of the above;;

Yes :)


<3

Slow time;;

It's passing so slowwww. :/

Less than 24hours!

Your phone is off?!

Well I'll be here if you want to come over.

Ditching me?

What are you doing? I have been home wanting to hang out and I thought you were coming over?

But you have been ignoring me the past two hours :/

I don't get it?

Well enjoy your day then!

I'm not doing that lol


Where are you?

He left. Want to come over?

You can come over, my landlord is just fixing the dryer. I didn't go to class.

But he might be leaving soon because he has work.

Are you coming over at all today? Text me

The shitty feeling when;;

You realize maybe you aren't meant to be no matter how bad you might want it.

Ok well this sucks.

Have a good night.

:/

Is there something I should be worried about? :/

Nothing why?


I thought you were going to bed?

What are you talking about?

Long time;;

I love you.


Sweet dreams:)

Come over and make it nasty :)

I would love for you to be with me!!!

I only have class 1-3 tomorrow. I'll be home the rest of the time :)

Glad you're safe!!! Enjoy your night babyboy<3

11:15 I am going out now!

Be here at 11 please! :)

Ok I will let you know ASAP.

Please don't fall asleep. How long is the walk?

Want me to stay in?

I will tell you like 30 mins early? So we get home same time?

Right now I am eating pizza. Gonna get ready soon to do something.
I'm thinking I'll be home by 11:30-12.

Keep checking this or facebook statuses, I'll let you know :)

You should see what I am doing right now :P

STOPPPPPPPP WITH THE BLOOPING BOXES AND IM's!!!!!!

I may beat you again!!!!! ;)


Go to the game babe, just don't sit near me lol

I will post on here after the game and pizza and let you know what's happening :)

Wish I could shower with you :*

I hate that I can't type back. The message box just sits in front of me!!!!!!

I'm not a shlut!!!!!!! ;)

I love you handsome. Should we set a time?

Partying is overrated;;

May skip it all together :)

If not front than back;;

You know the door situation. Who knows I may fall asleep and miss the game :)

My friends are being dumb when it comes to the same drugs and I can't help them anymore, it sucks! :/

Buuuut I'll be home alllll day excited to use this Saturday to the fullest lazy day!!!! :)))))

Take the good with the bad;;

There are both good and bad things to say. However I do think the bad things can easily be changed into good! :)


I think I am going to lay here and watch movies all say until the basketball game, then I'm going to that and then maybe out for a little. I'm still not drinking! I may call it an early night.

The weather is nice! I'm in my flip flops! Basketball would make it a good day! :)))

Pondering;;

I have so much to tell you!
A lot of stuff needs to be said. And SOON!


Why didn't it work out??? :///
These things keep lining up and I'm scared, I don't like this! :'///

Needing my prince to have and to hold! <3

Fun Friday??

I saw two counselors today. . .

One lasted 3 hours!!!!! ://

I'm tired.
Feel SO SO drained. :/
Weak.

This sucks.


6 days left <3

Why this reminds me of us?

Drake feat Rihanna-Take care.


I just think of our relationship! I don't know why though.

Ily <3

Defending myself;;

Ugh. I'm up because of bad dreams. I wish I had someone here or I could just call someone but everyone is asleep! :/
I don't really feel good. My nose and whole head are tired lol

Today was a long day, stupid Thursday.
Woke up and of course because my appointment was at 2 the time wanted to take forever to get there.
People seemed annoyed, unwilling to help, and mad at me for my actions. :/
I felt uncomfortable.
I thought that was the opposite of how I was supposed to feel when today was over?
Ugh, we'll see.

Well counseling tomorrow, two times in a row! :/

Counting the days, trying to become nothing but better.
Praying things go my way this time!


<3

Please be safe!!!!! 3:30 am is not safe when it is icy outside!!!!!


Waiting for a safe return!!!! <3333333

Sick;;

This is going to be a lonnnnng night.

I am sick :/
My nose is raw from being blow so much and my head feels like a balloon!!!! :/


I wish I had cuddles, I hope prestige worldwide won!!!! :)

<3

:);;

Bahahahahaha!!!!!! My night was made! :)

I just learned that I wasn't the only retarded kid on the planet and just fell in love with someone all over again!!!! You are more like me than I thought! That is a cute story and made me feel so much better! I'm laying in bed thinking about you, I hope you are dreaming amazing dreams and I'm glad you're all mine!

226 hours to go.

Night <3


Ily.

bad night;;

I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know what to do, I feel like a screw up and I have bad nights. One thing can just set me off and the fact that I have no control over this situation sucks!

I just don't want to force you into this relationship. Our past is our past but I just want to make sure you really want to be with me and only me.

I'm frustrated.
I have to admit that I am upset that I love you so much and am willing to make things work and give you so many chances and I'm still the one that has to hit rock bottom and be in this situation. But maybe I deserve it. Maybe all the stuff people say about deserving so much better doesn't apply to me.

I just want you to continue to be in this 1983794873298742% and love me like I know you can.


I too want you to go far in life, whatever that may be. I really want you to be the happiest person you can be! :)
Maybe you should listen to your parents . . . they know you best? And as much as I HATE to admit this, maybe moving back is best :''/ What are the things you have here? Me? and right now you technically can't by law. :/ You have my heart though so don't ever doubt that. I don't want you living a life where you have to go to places like Portland or Seattle just to pay your rent. :/ You are so much better than that.

However, even though it might be best for you, I feel that if you move back to AK you won't want to be with me anymore. I feel like we will grow apart and I won't be part of your life anymore. :/ You have so much going for you up there, I would just hold you back :/

I do want to be with you. I will do anything for you. I hope you know that.

I wish you were here so I could hold you <3

What can I say?

I'm trying to spin the world the other way.

I never meant to hurt you.

Some things just aren't meant to be.

:/

Please do what makes YOU and only you happy, while you still can.
You're only young once and I don't want to hold you back.

Relieved;;

Well I'm still a little worried, but if you tell me things are fine, I trust you!

Kick ass in your game tonight!

Portland will be fun this weekend. Save that $55!
Bring me back a shot glass ;)))

<3

Future;;

Oh trust me, these are no where near the best years of our lives!!! :)

I will ALWAYS believe in you, I promise. You should never ever doubt it either!!! :)

Dying to see you but I am going to the rec center to work out at 4. Sorry!

BF to PP <3
Belliagio fountains to pioneer peak ;)

Shit will buff out! Lol
I have so much faith in you. :))
I believe in you babe! Please be careful driving to Portland, the weather is shit.

My hips hurt from being in positions they haven't for almost three weeks! Lol
My back door is always unlocked <3

Solution;;

Just tell me! It's ok! I wish I had money for you! Maybe I can get a job! :)

Please, I hope you have somewhere to stay if you do get kicked out! Let me know what is going to happen as soon as you know! Kayla has an extra room so maybe you can talk with her!


Babe please don't leave!!!!!!!! :'//////
I don't want you to go back to alaska because of this!!!!!!!
I'll be so hurt!!! :/


We will find a solution for this, we always do!
I love you and kick ass at basketball tonight!!!! I'm there in spirit cheering :)))

I love you! <3

Ps. My hips are dying sore!!!!!!! Lol

refreshing;;

Indescribable feeling.
Much needed attention.
Faith reinforcer.
Strength builder.
Endless caring.
Unconditional devotion.
Passionate kisses.
Locking hugs.
Laying calmly.
Hearts pounding.
Warm cuddles.
Eye gazing.
Soft touch.
Sweet laughter.
Breath taking.
Trust founder.
Warm hearts.
Respectful commitment.
Butterfly giving feeling.
And so much more. . .


itsallLOVE.
that's what YOU give me.
and itsallOURS.

<3

knight and shining armor;;

I'm so sorry for stressing you out! Thank you so much for being there for me as much as you could!!!!

Long story short, myself, kayla, amanda, and kayla's friends Quinten and Paul were all over at Kayla's house, everyone was drinking and smoking except for me and a bunch of people wanted me to have something at my house. Well while at kaylas that Q kid was getting pretty drunk and would run up, punch me in the chin and run away or he would body check me up agaisnt the wall and be in my face. At first I thought nothing of it but when we moved everything to my house, he just got drunker and would randomly come up to me and slap me in the face or punch me in the mouth again, at this point I was really upset and asked him to stop and stormed out of the kitchen and came in the living room and sat on the couch to just relax. His friend Paul had made the comment that I was serious so Q came over to the couch and slapped me in the face again saying ohhh cant take it, blah blah blah. I then said please stop you are hurting me, or at least stop hitting me in the face. that's when he decided to hit my leg hard and smiled, and then I yelled stop hitting me! so then he was just being an asshole and was tapping my leg until I got up and left. The night was stressful :/ He had been disrespecting me allllll night, and so when britta and celeste came over, we texted a game plan to get them out so us three could leave and not be around them anymore. That's when I texted HD and let him know that I wasnt going to have anything.

Im sorry to stress you out! You would have been so proud of me though! I thought about hitting him back, but never even came close!! :)

I feel so safe with you.
Thank you so much for everything.
I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

I'm not always as tough as I may seem, I need protection, and lots of it sometimes.
You were very mature in handling the situation. :)

My day has already turned around and I'm just going to do homework here with Britta, Celeste, and T.


Can't wait to feel your strong muscles :))))))

:* <3

Stepping up;;

I'm proud to say when I get hit multiple times and don't hit back, I know I've grown!

Wishing for more company;;

Last night I slept good, I had a great day. I'm hoping it is going to lead into a great weekend. :)

This morning I woke up and got sonic :) wish I had to by two drinks instead of just one! Then I went to the river park and ran in a charity event Spokane was having, it was freezing lol but cool I guess. Then Amanda, Kayla and I walked around gonzaga and went to sit in on a class hahahahahah. What the fuck kind of ideas go through our heads lol

Now I'm back in cheney seeing what the rest of the day has in store for me.
Will post later :)))

Still counting down the hours <3

Sunflowers bring sunshine;;

Today was hands down the best day I have had since my incident. I woke up, went to class, came home for lunch, received a pound on the door to open up and find a giant black box with my name on it!!! Flowers in a box I thought!?!?!! not possible, I open the box to find my favorite flowers from my favorite person. Kayla must have thought I was a huuuuge baby, I started bawling. These flowers really did add the sunshine I needed in my life right now!!! The chocolates will be amazing when I eat them even if I don't like dark chocolate lol ;))

I have made it two weeks and I need to make it two more. I'm half way there, I can do this.

I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. And now, I have a reminder in my house that's as bright as the sun and full of love! :)

day14down. :)
(d14d)


You hands down give me indescribable feelings and I'm so thankful for you <3

And it's in Vegas :);;

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h81CD8EetKQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

<3

P.S.;;

Jimmy Graham MADE my night :))))))))


<33333333333

sports&love;;

Loving you is like loving my sport. It is hard work, takes a lot of time, but it is worth getting hot, sweaty, and upset about.

I had counseling today! It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. My first reaction sitting in the waiting room was why am I here? I was embarassed with everyone that looked at me, and I felt judged. As I walked back to the room though, I remembered why I was there. I want to make things better, period.
After I was talked to and discussed my situation, the counselor and I both decided that I would need more of a long-term goal rather than just this one session. I have about 8 more sessions I think? But 8 sessions of a little therapy that will help my life hopefully forever is worth it to me. When I said I would do anything to fix this, I meant it.

I'm thinking about cutting my hair, and if not cutting than dying it. No colors in mind yet, but I have a few I would like to try. :) We will see how far this idea will carry on with me haha.

Tomorrow though, if I am not busy with school, which I will be, I am buying a fish! I want an animal of some sort! It will help me keep busy! Buuuuuuut I have school all day tomorrow so I don't know when I will be able to get it yet.

This weekend I have a goal, to move my mattress out of the living room and actually try and sleep in my room! I think this is a good goal to try and acomplish! I feel I can do it. However I will still need the TV on because my nightlight is burnt out :/
I also got a new body pillow cover. . . . it's a grey Tennessee Volunteers cover ;)
It looks good, its soft, I love to cuddle with it, and it smells AMAZING! <3

I guess the last thing I wonder before I go to sleep is if people out there are scared too?


day15down :)

Dreaming of you and the Aurora Borealis :* <3

Searching for the light;;

I'm scared.

Is this normal? Am I alone?

future;;

no need to bang, think about what I would say when you were out before and I was alseep.

absence does make the heart grow fonder doesn't it? ok then, I can wait just a little longer if it means loving you more! :)


Do you know why I really like this picture? Yes because we are in it, yes because we look happy, and yes because we are watching the fountains show. But the reason I really love this picture is because this was the first picture we took after you just got off the phone with your dad and you told me you wanted to marry me. I tried to make it a serious conversation with you asking if you were sure that one day you really wanted to do that, and you insisted that you were 1987382465% positive. You looked me in the eyes and said that you were going to make it happen one day. I remember thinking, he's drunk, it's ok, don't think anything about it, and that's what I did. . . until you grabbed me, and you said you meant it and you hugged me and gave me a huge kiss! :)

I always look at this picture wondering if you still feel the same way, at least a little. I am not saying let's get married now or anytime soon, but if you at least still love me that much to think about it one day, than I know you are serious and you love me as much as I love you.

I will always love you more though so na na na na boo boo!!! :P

thank you for being my north star <3

pushing on;;

It's true :)

I can not wait to see you and fall in love with you alllll over again!

Today was long. My days are always fast until the sun sets and then I have to force the time to go by, I always think about you 50000X more. I guess its just hard to lay in my bed all alone in a house that feels so empty. I gave everything back today, and IT SUCKED. :/ I have nothing left but memories to hold onto.

I miss you so much, it really does hurt. I don't know what to feel, I hope that you are still in love with me. I hope everything still wants to be worked out and that I am not alone in this. When this is all over, I want to be loved unconditionally and I hope I am not left behind. Time apart is scary. I feel loved, and I want it to continue! :)

I'll do anything for you. I love you to the the next universe and back!

and I promise that WON'T change <3

Give me strength;;

Today wasn't too bad. I actually slept in for the first time however I woke up and bawled my eyes out watching trailers to the movie the vow. I hope this year I have a valentine! I promise I would make it so fun!
I paced back and forth wishing you were at my door.

Doing things we used to do makes me sad but it's the closets thing I have right now, so tonight I made fried Oreos!!!!! They were delicious!!!! I wore AK brewing CO. Pants, they got a little dirty! Haha :)

Some days are harder but I think of you and you give me so much faith, please continue to love me and know that we will get through this because I am scared. I know exactly what I want but I'm up against a wall and I'm trying my hardest to let things take course and just believe that they will be alright. I miss your smile. Pictures just aren't the same! :/

God gave me you for a reason and I know we aren't done yet!

17 days left, almost 16!
395.5 hours left. :)

Craving your touch <3

bedtime;;

I can't sleep.

my mind is wandering.

my heart is hurting.

I want to feel loved.

I feel like Juliet.

My bed is the living room, it has been ever since I got out. I haven't been able to sleep in my room yet. I slept at my house alone last night instead of staying with someone, I'm trying to do it again tonight, but I am having too much trouble sleeping.

I get my help tomorrow, I am interested to see what this is going to be like. I just hope they will understand that this was a once in a lifetime thing and do not judge me off of this.


I love lazy sundays!!!! :)


I'm in love and I know I am headed in the right direction because I am following my north star <3

wanting to feel magic again;;

my weekends are the longest, maybe because I don't have school to keep me busy.

my weekends used to consist of drinking and partying.
I refuse to drink. I have too much to lose, and I don't want to risk losing that, EVER.
I almost made a choice last night, I needed to calm my nerves, and then refused. I want nothing but the best from here on out. I want people to see the good in me and see that I really am a good person and only want the best for myself and everyone around me.
I have appointments with counselors on campus. I want to get the proper help that I need, I don't want to act out again. I am hoping this week they will help me with any issues I may have now and hopefully help me take the next step in knowing what to do when, if any, future situations arise. I realize I am on a very short leash, and I want to do anything that will help me lenghten that.

I know things can be this magical. ----->
I have also been told my whole life that the best things in life aren't free, and you have to work for the things that you want most, but I have also been told that IT IS WORTH IT. Now I continue to be strong because I know that this is one of those situations. Everyone always remembers their first time experiences, one day, I will look back and laugh at this, its only a matter of time.

I'm holding on tight and I'm not letting go <3

Continuing on;;

Well it's been one week. Tonight I am going out with my volleyball girls, it's Ashley's birthday, I'm not drinking. I don't want to anymore.

I hope tonight goes well, I'm trying so hard, even when I feel alone, I just think about all the great things that happened and I remind myself that I got this! Game face bro :)

20 days :)

<3

smile, things will be ok :)

process;;

going through this process stinks. its hard to sit around and wait when you are scared for yourself. the countdown is three weeks. . . 21 days.

I am going to look at this in a positive way and put it in terms of a "habit".
I know it takes 21 days to break a habit, so I am going to pretend that this is a habit that I am going to break. I will be strong, I will pretend that the habit I am trying to break is being a "bad girl". I can do this!!!!

I will not just do this for myself though.

hopefully once this "habit" is broke, everyone can move forward. :)

keep checking in though, this habit will be journey. <3

new experiences in life;;

well you know what they say, you should try everything at least once right?
so I thought I would, and in this case, I NEVER EVER want to make that choice ever again!!!!!

It hasn't even been one week and I already feel like I have learned SO much from this experience. I know God doesnt put obstacles in front of us that He knows we can't handle but this one was close, or so I thought. They also say that once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go from there is up. That's what I am going to do, go up.

In a matter of one weekend I learned to; not fight, love hard, forgive easily, love the small things, stay strong, and to learn, reflect, and grow from every opportunity you get and experience.

1. Don't fight. you may think in the scene of things that nothing is wrong except for a few hurtful words being thrown around, but as I learned, things can escalate VERY QUICKLY. when a person is mad, a chemical is released in the brain that alters your reasoning. it may be very hard, but try to relax, or walk away. My problem was I could never walk away from something I am SO passionate about, but I can't control everything, only myself and my actions. words as well as actions are VERY hurtful and I realize that, and I made a huge mistake in even thinking any of it was ok to say or do at the time.

2. Love hard. If you love something as much as you feel or say, do it. I learned not to take the love that I was given for granted. Its not until you are completely alone in a 4X4 cell that you really crave the attention you've had all along. Love hard, but safe. Love is fragile and should always been taken with care. <3 I've thought long and hard and learned that love is love, it doesnt measure, so big or small, it is still the same feeling and meaning. Don't take that special feeling for granted like I did and will never again do.

3. Forgive easily. I forgive you. There is no point in being mad, what's done is done. The only true way I can move on from this and move forward is to say I forgive you, and I do. Besides when you love something, you love its flaws. Some experiences are just that, flaws, and I will learn and move forward. I have to admit that part of me forgives so easy because im scared shitless :'/ but that's where I learn that in order to keep strong and keep yourself out of some situations, you just have to forgive, so I feel that there's nothing wrong with that.

4. Love the small things. there isn't much to say about this, other than to just do it. There are places on this planet that don't have anything at all, and when you experience nothing, you learn to love anything and everything. I have to say that I'm pretty good with noticing the small things, so please continue them, I will show more passion towards those actions people do for me in my life <3

5. Stay strong. No feeling is harder to deal with than helplessness. I felt it. . . and all of it at once. I felt lonely, sad, depressed, scared, sick, helpless, pathetic, sorry, cold, low, undeserving, and the list could go on. But I hit rock bottom, I had to dig in myself and try to think positive. I just want to find the positive things in life, I feel like I have felt and seen enough of the negative to realize that I NEVER want to be back on that side of the spectrum. God blessed me with all the things I have in my life and they are all positive, and I want them to stay <3

6. Learn, reflect, and grow. Well this takes time. Time is currently passing and I am learning, and will continue to learn. I am growing from this experience to know better next time and I have done nothing but reflected my past week. I can admit that even something as simple as looking at the white walls in my house scares me, and here I am sitting in my living room trying to reflect and overcome this 'fear' that I have picked up from one experience. Its getting easier :) and that's how I know I am growing. I will and want to grow from every aspect of this situation and MAKE IT BETTER, for everyone!

People say shit happens, yea shit does happen, but I take full responsibilty for my actions, I can't take it for anyone else, but myself. I have control only over myself and I am sorry to everyone I hurt this past week. I want to change things, I am going to change things, and only for the positive, and I know who and what I want in my life to join me on that journey, but I only have control over me. Others can make their own decisions, but if they wish, I am here and willing to take the steps forward and do whatever I have to do to put this behind me.

just know a day or night doesn't pass that I am not with you and that I am not sorry for everything I did to hurt you.

I will forever love you<3