Tuesday, July 28, 2015

to God, the universe, or whatever calls the shots;;

. . . what a FUCKING plan.

How many people do we actually know that can say, "yes, I pictured my life this way 5 years ago, and most of it came true!"
I can't name one, including myself.
So why do people ask that? Why do people ask what our plans are going to be years down the road, if NO ONE EVER FUCKING ACCOMPLISHES THOSE PLANS?!

I understand, that was excessive, but it's true.
I had plans, we all do. But now I wish I didn't.
My plans 10 years ago; married. children. college degree. good paying job. yadda yaaadddaaa.

reality; I am 25 years old. I live in my hometown. I have a college degree. I am single. And I do not own anything except my husky. And I work two decent paying jobs to make ends meet. I rent my house, I have $1,000 in savings, I still owe $12,000 on my car and $30,000 in student loans.
Where was this in my "plan". . .

Well, let's chalk it up to this is how my life is supposed to be.
I guess I am learning lessons.
Everyone says, I'll find "the one" to settle down with later. I will have kids later. A job will come. You'll own a house one day. Your student loans only last the next 10 years.
But how do you know? Quit trying to plan for me when my original plan didn't work out either.
My problem is that I live my life thinking that things are forever, they aren't. I always thought that if I love and put effort into something it had to do it back, it doesn't.

However, recently. I have learned everything comes full circle eventually, but only for those with unfinished business.
it's like g r a v i t y .
Let's have an honest moment, we all knew what Nick meant to me, clearly, as this blog has a bazillion posts to/about him when we were seperated by law. However, a year ago now on August 8th, he left me. I was no longer good enough in his eyes due to my actions. Well, its almost been a year, I thought we would be happy again, we aren't. I currently have let him go to be his own person, that's what he wants. What I want doesn't matter. . .
But here is where I feel like it really does. . . "full circle".

Kyle started talking to me again about 2 weeks ago. (Nick and I haven't spoken since July 9th) He always does his usual, miss your sex, miss your body, drive to Reno type of shit. Clearly I am being used. Which is why no degrading response is given and no I will not drive to Reno. However one day, something happened. "I know I don't ever say or show it, but I appreciate you and our friendship more than you know." "I really just miss you sometimes."
Brian, 3 weeks ago, starts off a conversation with "I should have never let you go" (I respond with an excuse me, what does that mean) "You knew how to treat me, you are the complete package and I fucked up with you, we could be living together somewhere fucking cheap with a huge house and I'd be working firefighting anywhere."
That's it. I am at a loss of words. What do I do. I already tried so hard in the past with these people and they never thought I deserved a second chance, why are they reaching out now for the second chance I was begging for before. They reached out the same way Nick reached out this year.
How am I supposed to feel. NONE of this was part of my plan. I was just trying to honestly love. I loved myself and I wanted to just love these people at these times in my life. I wanted everything for them because it gave me everything I wanted.
Now, none of them are around.
So as I lay here alone in my bed, pondering thoughts on why life cycles through the same paths sometimes (like why do similar events happen or why people come back into your life after they swore they would leave forever) I can't help but have some frustration towards the fact that whether the path is part of a new cycle or recreating an old one, we still have no control.

So raise a glass to who or whatever is calling the shots in my life. God, universe, or even mysteriously myself.
what a fucking ride.