winter break.

yes, this is the time i have been waiting for.

lets fcuk shit up.

:)

i saw him. it was nice, maybe a little too nice, i get so comfortable when i am with you.

but ill be in for an update later. :)

its just one of those things.

So it's been a little bit, but it's one of those things where it feels like it's been forever to me.

I am realizing that no matter how much you want some things to change, they never do.
That's part of life, and accepting it, is a big step.

I am trying to accept the fact that this is how I feel and this is how it is going to be. We, mostly I have tried changing the fact that we won't be together, but somethings just aren't meant to be.

I would like to thank you for all that you have done and given me. I really appreciate it.

Being single isn't that bad I suppose, it gives me time to focus on Chenoa and not worry about anyone else. I have to admit, it will be very strange, just because I haven't really been single since middle school. I dont want to think negative and say I am alone because I really am not alone. I have tons of friends and family who love me, I am just single, not partnered.

I will learn and grow from this experience, just like you will. I wish you and myself the best of luck in life and in future relationships. Hopefully this can be used as a stepping stone. <3



ps. family is up now, house is awesome.
tminus 17 days until reno <3

everything in me.

Heartbreak; intense sorrow caused by loss of a loved one.

Yep, I know that this is about to use up every ounce of energy in me as I try to recover from this.

Im speechless.

I cant even begin to wrap my mind around what just happened. We're done. That's how it is, life goes on I guess. I can always tell myself there is someone who is going to love me so much, there is someone better out there, but is there? I don't know, no one can tell the future.

It seems like as fast as this started, it ended.

I guess somethings really are too good to be true. That doesn't seem fair. But then again, we are always told "life's not fair."

I feel lost. empty. lifeless. unloved. betrayed. angry. hurt. mislead. hopeless. robbed.
so many emotions are running through me, they are tangled. I guess the only thing I can do is slowly untangle them.

I loved, no love, you with all my heart. I can honestly say that I have never tried harder in a relationship, but then again, I guess that was the problem.
I try so hard to make everything perfect, and it always becomes ruined.
I hope one day I learn to control that control freak in me. Not only for my sake, but everyone elses too.
I hope that you don't walk away from this with any regrets.

You are a strong, handsome, talented person with so much ahead in life.
Please live it to the fullest. Don't let anyone stop you. EVER. no girls, family, friends, nothing.
You need to find a girl that is fun, spunky, and fresh. One that can hang with you 24/7.
She needs to be athletic, basketball is the sport. You will play agaisnt each other and some days, she will actually beat you, but you have a big ego, so you'll never admit it.
She will be beautiful and all your friends will adore her, family, and sister will too.
Girls will envy her for what and who she is, and what she has. . . .you.
You will fall in love and the best has yet to come for you.

As for me, I guess I'll focus on school and volleyball. I will cry my eyes out every night until I realize that it isn't going to work and then I will get over it. That's part of break-ups.
Until then I will stay strong for me, just know that this is the hardest thing ever.

I can't pretend things will be ok, because right now for me, they're not. I feel completely drained and I am the biggest failure here on Earth.
I still don't have much to say.

I love you, that will NEVER change.
but you know that.
just don't ever forget it.

big big.

after a long weekend.

These people MADE my weekend. Although the weekend didn't go as planned, meaning we lost both games and all chances of making it to playoffs, I got to see my family in Flagstaff! It was so refreshing to see faces that care so much about you, nothing else mattered. :)

Im sorry you drove all that way to see us lose. I played hard and heard you cheering your hearts out for me :) I appreciate it so much! BUTT SIGN TO YOU ALL. (and darious too)

well last week of volleyball here for my junior year, im going out with a bang. promise you that.

[t minus 7 days]

rebuilding trust.

Trust is so hard to gain, but so easy to lose.
Doesn't really seem fair,
especially when you aren't the one to shake things up.

I feel like if you have trust (and communication) in a realtionship, you are good to go.
with these things, on good terms of course, everything else falls in place.

If one betrays trust however, there ARE ways to fix it, even when you feel like you've hit rock bottom and there's no changing it.

the betrayer must:
(1) be open and willing to answer questions.
(2) hold yourself accountable for your actions, accept the consequences.
-this means not getting defensive when you feel like a "14 year old"
(the feeling of I have to let my parents know where I am and what's going on at all times)
(3) DO NOT count on your word.
-just because you say you changed, means nothing right now. You surrendered that right.
(4) allow time.
-you need to allow time for the trust to be rebuilt. period. there is not a specific time either.

the betrayed must:
(1) be forgiving.
-this being able to name what exactly bothers you and getting over that however.
(not just a "oh yea, it happened, i forgive you" type of thing)
(2) be open to your anxiety.
-this being able to express the things that trigger this distrust. (places, people, etc.)


BOTH must:
(1) set boundaries.
-both parties must agree or it won't work.
-this means not doing anything the betrayer did in the first place, it also means not doing
anything the betrayed feels uncomfortable with. sucks, but sorry.

All of this is an absolute commitment, but if you want it to work, you will make it.







[[ t-minus 13 days ]]
<3

help could be right in front of you.

A little update on life, well volleyball is going a little better which always is a plus for me. :)
I played in both games this past weekend, and I thought I did pretty good. Lets keep this going God :)

As far as other issues in life, I wish that people would at least try and explain what's wrong with them BEFORE completely shutting you out. You never know, that person could be the one that actually understands and helps you the most. But, if they don't let you in, then that's when you just have to be the bigger person and move aside and give that person "me" time.
Hopefully it works out for both of you.

Well t-minus about 28 days until the fambam is all packed up and on the road to Spokane, WA.
yayy! I can't wait to see them! :) <3

well needed weekend.

man oh man.
this weekend was needed, especially today.
I got to see a part of downtown spokane today that I didnt really know about.
and I did the cheapest things today and had a blast.

Well in other news, my family is moving up here. I went and looked at the houe today and it was nice, and it is about a 6 minute drive from my house haha.
My family will be so close, and in the same town as me while I'm going to college haha, im excited.
I cant wait to see them again.

I GOT A WAFFLE MAKER.
FISH PROTEIN SHAKE.

. . . highlights of my day :)

a little bit lost.

Life would be so much easier if people could just automatically understand how you feel EXACTLY. especailly when words cant help you explain.

Everyone at some point wishes they could go back to a certain time in their life when things were so amazing and everything went well, it was "perfect".
yeaaa, one of those times for me. I chose that specific one because that is the last still moment in time we had when things were amazing. Its so crazy to me that one situation can change your life forever, but it happens. That is life. The world would be perfect if everyone could go back in time and change the mistakes they have made, but obviously we cant.

That still moment breaks my heart. I think its harder to deal with the fact that things are so bad when you know that they can be so great. It would be easy if things were just bad, you would kinda be like ok yea this sucks, but it happens. When you experience the good in something and then it turns bad, your attitude is now more along the lines of disappointment and frustration because you know the good in it.

Does time heal all wounds? it sucks that something that can heal you supposedly, is something that none of us on earth have a lot of. so is there a way to heal without using so much of something you dont even have?

i guess we'll see.

never over look a situation, its like lying to yourself.
and thats never good.

instead just face facts, it makes you a stronger person and then you can base your dreams around that. :)

quincy, california.

ok so i was just reading all the previous posts i had up on the page. . . DANG. that first year in quincy was hard, im not going to lie, but if i had to update the posts about quincy and look back and give you my opinion about it now, im in love.

my sophomore year at FRC was one of the best years of my entire life. I was surrounded with unbelievable, unforgettable, amazinggg friends that i love with all my heart. at this point in life, i wish i could go back. (boy i never thought i would say those words) but its true. if i could live last year over and over again, i would.

although i am not in california anymore i still have made some of the best relationships of my entire life and i know they are here to stay :)

love you california and all the people i met there. <3

back up and running :)

new update.

i havent written on here in a while, but im back!
Now im currently in a different state doing the same thing i love. :)
i miss all my friends and family, cant wait to see you soon.

<3