365;;

Days.


3 6 5 d a y s .


Can you or I believe it? I know I can't.

It's hard. I have been thinking about this day all month. I can't believe it came already. The first 6 months were slow and hard. But then we started talking again and each day slipped by faster and faster. But now we aren't.

I won't lie, I am trying to stay positive but sometimes I just want to break down. My thoughts are so heavy sometimes it scares me. How did it become this way? Was this what you wanted?

I was so greatful for so many things. Did you know that 3 years ago, you and I were in Alaska and we were trick shot bowling? Competive, of course. But that's not what really mattered that night. It was what happened next. I lost a bet, we had to jump into the ocean. We knew it was cold, deep, and dark. But as we stood on the beach there together we grabbed hands and ran full speed into the ocean. We both fully commited to each other and kept our promises that were made that night to each other. It was a night I will NEVER forget.

I don't know if you are doing well or not, and I won't assume either one. I know I haven't talked to you. It's not that I don't want to, but I just feel like you don't want or need me to. I do assume you're better off without me.


I just want what is best for you. Always and forever.


Tomorrow is a new day, but I'll always love you.

first video;;

Well I am trying out my first video. Everyone knows I can NOT sing, but here I am doing it anyway.
This song is hitting home for me right now, I have to be without all this love, and I'll probably go under, but I know I will make it out alive.

Here is to trucking forward, no matter what that in tails.

to God, the universe, or whatever calls the shots;;

. . . what a FUCKING plan.

How many people do we actually know that can say, "yes, I pictured my life this way 5 years ago, and most of it came true!"
I can't name one, including myself.
So why do people ask that? Why do people ask what our plans are going to be years down the road, if NO ONE EVER FUCKING ACCOMPLISHES THOSE PLANS?!

I understand, that was excessive, but it's true.
I had plans, we all do. But now I wish I didn't.
My plans 10 years ago; married. children. college degree. good paying job. yadda yaaadddaaa.

reality; I am 25 years old. I live in my hometown. I have a college degree. I am single. And I do not own anything except my husky. And I work two decent paying jobs to make ends meet. I rent my house, I have $1,000 in savings, I still owe $12,000 on my car and $30,000 in student loans.
Where was this in my "plan". . .

Well, let's chalk it up to this is how my life is supposed to be.
I guess I am learning lessons.
Everyone says, I'll find "the one" to settle down with later. I will have kids later. A job will come. You'll own a house one day. Your student loans only last the next 10 years.
But how do you know? Quit trying to plan for me when my original plan didn't work out either.
My problem is that I live my life thinking that things are forever, they aren't. I always thought that if I love and put effort into something it had to do it back, it doesn't.

However, recently. I have learned everything comes full circle eventually, but only for those with unfinished business.
it's like g r a v i t y .
Let's have an honest moment, we all knew what Nick meant to me, clearly, as this blog has a bazillion posts to/about him when we were seperated by law. However, a year ago now on August 8th, he left me. I was no longer good enough in his eyes due to my actions. Well, its almost been a year, I thought we would be happy again, we aren't. I currently have let him go to be his own person, that's what he wants. What I want doesn't matter. . .
But here is where I feel like it really does. . . "full circle".

Kyle started talking to me again about 2 weeks ago. (Nick and I haven't spoken since July 9th) He always does his usual, miss your sex, miss your body, drive to Reno type of shit. Clearly I am being used. Which is why no degrading response is given and no I will not drive to Reno. However one day, something happened. "I know I don't ever say or show it, but I appreciate you and our friendship more than you know." "I really just miss you sometimes."
Brian, 3 weeks ago, starts off a conversation with "I should have never let you go" (I respond with an excuse me, what does that mean) "You knew how to treat me, you are the complete package and I fucked up with you, we could be living together somewhere fucking cheap with a huge house and I'd be working firefighting anywhere."
That's it. I am at a loss of words. What do I do. I already tried so hard in the past with these people and they never thought I deserved a second chance, why are they reaching out now for the second chance I was begging for before. They reached out the same way Nick reached out this year.
How am I supposed to feel. NONE of this was part of my plan. I was just trying to honestly love. I loved myself and I wanted to just love these people at these times in my life. I wanted everything for them because it gave me everything I wanted.
Now, none of them are around.
So as I lay here alone in my bed, pondering thoughts on why life cycles through the same paths sometimes (like why do similar events happen or why people come back into your life after they swore they would leave forever) I can't help but have some frustration towards the fact that whether the path is part of a new cycle or recreating an old one, we still have no control.

So raise a glass to who or whatever is calling the shots in my life. God, universe, or even mysteriously myself.
what a fucking ride.

Been awhile since I've done that;;

I cried myself to sleep last night. HARD.

Why did I do it? To be honest because it's hard for me.
It's hard for me to comprehend that things probably won't change. It's hard for me to lie to people I love when they ask what's wrong. I say nothing, I'm fine, but they know. And I know they know, which makes it harder. It's hard to look at you Oakley, you make me so happy that it hurts. It's hard for me to want to express myself so badly and then not know how to when I get the chance. It's hard for me to believe in myself when all I do is believe in others. It's hard to also fucking type this because I'm balling my eyes out and iPhones don't always autocorrect correctly.

I just want to be the best believer. In everyone and everything. But I broke down last night. I just love you but sometimes the way things happen it makes you not love yourself.
I am going to try to turn this around. God help me have the strength to do so. You have plans for me, I know. Just help me believe that believing in others is still ok and that we need people like me.

I don't want to cry myself to sleep another night.

life. . . and what it's really about;;

Many people try to figure this out, all the time. And of course naturally, you have SO many responses to the same question. . .

WHAT IS LIFE ABOUT?!

People will saying finding yourself; living; creating yourself; yada yaddddaaaa.
However, my biggest problem with all of these is that we aren't on this planet ALONE! Which is why the second he said it, I knew in my heart I was on the right track for myself.

He said, "It's about finding someone you want to share your life with."

Finally, at least someone who understands that I all want is someone to stand by me through every adventure we choose to take on.
Finally, the one person who we all thought would never commit to ANYTHING, has broken that mold.
Finally, I know my answer, now just to solve the one problem I still have, no takers.

You're out there somewhere, I know you are. In fact, you are probably reading this. Soon, I will write a post about how many adventures I have gone on with you, just know that finding you, was the greatest adventure I ever went on alone, however they will never compare to everything we are about to conquer together!! So until next time. . .

quarter of a century, native style.

It's your birthday. you are now 25. crazy.
I am sitting here wondering how you feel? and I mean truly feel, inside. what thoughts are going through your head? Do they make any sense? Are you going to act upon them? DO YOU MISS ME?
I saw you last week, but I haven't seen or heard from you since. You told me things were going to be different, because YOU wanted them that way. Buuuuut, I am a back burner thought, I know that's all I'll ever be from here on. But I still can't help but think about you, today is your day.
Well let me share some birthday wishes I have for you; 1. You remain healthy. 2. You stay out of unnecessary trouble. 3. You relax. 4. You find it.
I miss the happy sparkle in your heart. Happy Birthday Robert Nicholas Thein II
May all your dreams come true <3

what you, Robert Nicholas Thein II, deserve;;

Words cannot even fathom.
I really wish I could put into words all of the things that you deserve, but fortunately for the world, some feelings are never meant to be altered into words. You deserve things that go far beyond your wildest dreams. First off, let me describe what you feel like to me:
First and foremost, YOU FEEL LIKE HOME.
I can't tell you how many times we have held each other and it felt like I was home, in the exact place I was forever meant to be. I felt good things and bad things alike, but just as a solid home has, it had character, some days the sun shined perfectly, others it snowed so deep, you thought things would never thaw, but they always did. SHIT ALWAYS BUFFED OUT. Your heartbeat was the melody to my life. Laying on your chest and hearing your heart was one of the most magical things to me. It drowned out everything I wanted to forget about so I could listen to the only thing that mattered, it is the safest place in the world, that is home.
In my home, I had the most natural cure for every illness, physically or mentally, I had ever encountered - your laugh.
The high squeaky one where you closed your eyes and grabbed your chest is my all time favorite, that is how I knew your laugh is genuine. You always turned bright red and placed your right hand over your heart. Your laughter cured not only my soul, but seemed to do the same for you.
This leads to your sense of knowing. Knowing when to do absolutely everything. When to hold me, when to speak, when to shit talk, and when to not. Knowing to just trust me, when to guide me, knowing when to push and when to not. And most importantly, when to just blend up a margarita. Now of course every system has flaws, but shit always buffs out and we built a network of gears that supported each other based on your knowledge. Take credit for the foundation you built, that is one of the manliest things you have done in my eyes, you supported me.
that right there, takes strength.
you have crazy amounts of strength. you are so courageous it scares you. I wish so badly that you could see it. Go stare in a mirror for two minutes, look deep in your eyes. There is so much character behind them and I was blessed looking into those eyes for 3 1/2 years. I can only say now that I wish you had the courage to just stay. But as people say, everything happens for a reason.
But this is where I can tell you this is what you deserve.

You are gifted, smart, funny, handsome, talented, experienced, relatable, and adaptable. (feel free to insert more adjectives)

You truly are a blessing to absolutely everyone around you, including strangers. I would kill at a chance to do it all over again with you. The experiences you show people and the things that you teach are unreal. You too deserve to be around people who will do the same for you. Explore, love and be free. You deserve to laugh, it really does cure this world and I wish everyone got your sense of humor, I envy the fact you threw a full glass of beer across a bar yelling "Kobe!". Native moment or not, it took balls. You deserve to lay peacefully under the Northern Lights. You are like me, fast. The perfect social butterfly, but the lights that I see in your eyes match those that dance in the Northern skies. It is alright if there are days you want to take it slow, do it, you deserve it. You deserve to speak and be understood when you decide not to talk. Surround yourself with those people that just know. JUST LIKE YOU. You just know when something is off, it's like a sixth sense. It will help when you don't always have the words. Most importantly, you deserve love. 100%, pure crazy, unpredictable, uncomparable, husky love. There is always good and bad to everything. When it's bad, it's bad, but make sure your goods outweigh the bads. Love the stupid things like trotting in the park and curly tails of curiosity. Take every challenge, fight it with the same passion I see when you stare at the Bellagio Fountains and surround yourself with all different kinds of love, it's healthy. Friends, family, lovers, pets, they are all different.

My only fear is that you will never understand how amazing you truly are, not just to me, but to many people.
I wanted to write to you because if I can never tell you again, at least you can always read this and remind yourself. Besides the select few people in my life that you know I have been blessed with, my biggest blessing has been you. I will never love anyone the way I have loved you and still love you to this very day. I often stare at your side of the bed where the husk sleeps, and it gets harder for me to breathe. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. BE PROUD OF THAT. GIVE YOURSELF MORE CREDIT. No matter what decisions you decide to make in your life, I will forever stand by them, 100%. You have changed my life for the better, I hope you can say the same. I am SO proud of you Nick. I love you Creative Native.

BF to PP, forever and always.
-Sexi Mexi