:);;

Bahahahahaha!!!!!! My night was made! :)

I just learned that I wasn't the only retarded kid on the planet and just fell in love with someone all over again!!!! You are more like me than I thought! That is a cute story and made me feel so much better! I'm laying in bed thinking about you, I hope you are dreaming amazing dreams and I'm glad you're all mine!

226 hours to go.

Night <3


Ily.

bad night;;

I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know what to do, I feel like a screw up and I have bad nights. One thing can just set me off and the fact that I have no control over this situation sucks!

I just don't want to force you into this relationship. Our past is our past but I just want to make sure you really want to be with me and only me.

I'm frustrated.
I have to admit that I am upset that I love you so much and am willing to make things work and give you so many chances and I'm still the one that has to hit rock bottom and be in this situation. But maybe I deserve it. Maybe all the stuff people say about deserving so much better doesn't apply to me.

I just want you to continue to be in this 1983794873298742% and love me like I know you can.


I too want you to go far in life, whatever that may be. I really want you to be the happiest person you can be! :)
Maybe you should listen to your parents . . . they know you best? And as much as I HATE to admit this, maybe moving back is best :''/ What are the things you have here? Me? and right now you technically can't by law. :/ You have my heart though so don't ever doubt that. I don't want you living a life where you have to go to places like Portland or Seattle just to pay your rent. :/ You are so much better than that.

However, even though it might be best for you, I feel that if you move back to AK you won't want to be with me anymore. I feel like we will grow apart and I won't be part of your life anymore. :/ You have so much going for you up there, I would just hold you back :/

I do want to be with you. I will do anything for you. I hope you know that.

I wish you were here so I could hold you <3

What can I say?

I'm trying to spin the world the other way.

I never meant to hurt you.

Some things just aren't meant to be.

:/

Please do what makes YOU and only you happy, while you still can.
You're only young once and I don't want to hold you back.

Relieved;;

Well I'm still a little worried, but if you tell me things are fine, I trust you!

Kick ass in your game tonight!

Portland will be fun this weekend. Save that $55!
Bring me back a shot glass ;)))

<3

Future;;

Oh trust me, these are no where near the best years of our lives!!! :)

I will ALWAYS believe in you, I promise. You should never ever doubt it either!!! :)

Dying to see you but I am going to the rec center to work out at 4. Sorry!

BF to PP <3
Belliagio fountains to pioneer peak ;)

Shit will buff out! Lol
I have so much faith in you. :))
I believe in you babe! Please be careful driving to Portland, the weather is shit.

My hips hurt from being in positions they haven't for almost three weeks! Lol
My back door is always unlocked <3

Solution;;

Just tell me! It's ok! I wish I had money for you! Maybe I can get a job! :)

Please, I hope you have somewhere to stay if you do get kicked out! Let me know what is going to happen as soon as you know! Kayla has an extra room so maybe you can talk with her!


Babe please don't leave!!!!!!!! :'//////
I don't want you to go back to alaska because of this!!!!!!!
I'll be so hurt!!! :/


We will find a solution for this, we always do!
I love you and kick ass at basketball tonight!!!! I'm there in spirit cheering :)))

I love you! <3

Ps. My hips are dying sore!!!!!!! Lol

refreshing;;

Indescribable feeling.
Much needed attention.
Faith reinforcer.
Strength builder.
Endless caring.
Unconditional devotion.
Passionate kisses.
Locking hugs.
Laying calmly.
Hearts pounding.
Warm cuddles.
Eye gazing.
Soft touch.
Sweet laughter.
Breath taking.
Trust founder.
Warm hearts.
Respectful commitment.
Butterfly giving feeling.
And so much more. . .


itsallLOVE.
that's what YOU give me.
and itsallOURS.

<3

knight and shining armor;;

I'm so sorry for stressing you out! Thank you so much for being there for me as much as you could!!!!

Long story short, myself, kayla, amanda, and kayla's friends Quinten and Paul were all over at Kayla's house, everyone was drinking and smoking except for me and a bunch of people wanted me to have something at my house. Well while at kaylas that Q kid was getting pretty drunk and would run up, punch me in the chin and run away or he would body check me up agaisnt the wall and be in my face. At first I thought nothing of it but when we moved everything to my house, he just got drunker and would randomly come up to me and slap me in the face or punch me in the mouth again, at this point I was really upset and asked him to stop and stormed out of the kitchen and came in the living room and sat on the couch to just relax. His friend Paul had made the comment that I was serious so Q came over to the couch and slapped me in the face again saying ohhh cant take it, blah blah blah. I then said please stop you are hurting me, or at least stop hitting me in the face. that's when he decided to hit my leg hard and smiled, and then I yelled stop hitting me! so then he was just being an asshole and was tapping my leg until I got up and left. The night was stressful :/ He had been disrespecting me allllll night, and so when britta and celeste came over, we texted a game plan to get them out so us three could leave and not be around them anymore. That's when I texted HD and let him know that I wasnt going to have anything.

Im sorry to stress you out! You would have been so proud of me though! I thought about hitting him back, but never even came close!! :)

I feel so safe with you.
Thank you so much for everything.
I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

I'm not always as tough as I may seem, I need protection, and lots of it sometimes.
You were very mature in handling the situation. :)

My day has already turned around and I'm just going to do homework here with Britta, Celeste, and T.


Can't wait to feel your strong muscles :))))))

:* <3

Stepping up;;

I'm proud to say when I get hit multiple times and don't hit back, I know I've grown!

Wishing for more company;;

Last night I slept good, I had a great day. I'm hoping it is going to lead into a great weekend. :)

This morning I woke up and got sonic :) wish I had to by two drinks instead of just one! Then I went to the river park and ran in a charity event Spokane was having, it was freezing lol but cool I guess. Then Amanda, Kayla and I walked around gonzaga and went to sit in on a class hahahahahah. What the fuck kind of ideas go through our heads lol

Now I'm back in cheney seeing what the rest of the day has in store for me.
Will post later :)))

Still counting down the hours <3

Sunflowers bring sunshine;;

Today was hands down the best day I have had since my incident. I woke up, went to class, came home for lunch, received a pound on the door to open up and find a giant black box with my name on it!!! Flowers in a box I thought!?!?!! not possible, I open the box to find my favorite flowers from my favorite person. Kayla must have thought I was a huuuuge baby, I started bawling. These flowers really did add the sunshine I needed in my life right now!!! The chocolates will be amazing when I eat them even if I don't like dark chocolate lol ;))

I have made it two weeks and I need to make it two more. I'm half way there, I can do this.

I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. And now, I have a reminder in my house that's as bright as the sun and full of love! :)

day14down. :)
(d14d)


You hands down give me indescribable feelings and I'm so thankful for you <3

And it's in Vegas :);;

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h81CD8EetKQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

<3

P.S.;;

Jimmy Graham MADE my night :))))))))


<33333333333

sports&love;;

Loving you is like loving my sport. It is hard work, takes a lot of time, but it is worth getting hot, sweaty, and upset about.

I had counseling today! It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. My first reaction sitting in the waiting room was why am I here? I was embarassed with everyone that looked at me, and I felt judged. As I walked back to the room though, I remembered why I was there. I want to make things better, period.
After I was talked to and discussed my situation, the counselor and I both decided that I would need more of a long-term goal rather than just this one session. I have about 8 more sessions I think? But 8 sessions of a little therapy that will help my life hopefully forever is worth it to me. When I said I would do anything to fix this, I meant it.

I'm thinking about cutting my hair, and if not cutting than dying it. No colors in mind yet, but I have a few I would like to try. :) We will see how far this idea will carry on with me haha.

Tomorrow though, if I am not busy with school, which I will be, I am buying a fish! I want an animal of some sort! It will help me keep busy! Buuuuuuut I have school all day tomorrow so I don't know when I will be able to get it yet.

This weekend I have a goal, to move my mattress out of the living room and actually try and sleep in my room! I think this is a good goal to try and acomplish! I feel I can do it. However I will still need the TV on because my nightlight is burnt out :/
I also got a new body pillow cover. . . . it's a grey Tennessee Volunteers cover ;)
It looks good, its soft, I love to cuddle with it, and it smells AMAZING! <3

I guess the last thing I wonder before I go to sleep is if people out there are scared too?


day15down :)

Dreaming of you and the Aurora Borealis :* <3

Searching for the light;;

I'm scared.

Is this normal? Am I alone?

future;;

no need to bang, think about what I would say when you were out before and I was alseep.

absence does make the heart grow fonder doesn't it? ok then, I can wait just a little longer if it means loving you more! :)


Do you know why I really like this picture? Yes because we are in it, yes because we look happy, and yes because we are watching the fountains show. But the reason I really love this picture is because this was the first picture we took after you just got off the phone with your dad and you told me you wanted to marry me. I tried to make it a serious conversation with you asking if you were sure that one day you really wanted to do that, and you insisted that you were 1987382465% positive. You looked me in the eyes and said that you were going to make it happen one day. I remember thinking, he's drunk, it's ok, don't think anything about it, and that's what I did. . . until you grabbed me, and you said you meant it and you hugged me and gave me a huge kiss! :)

I always look at this picture wondering if you still feel the same way, at least a little. I am not saying let's get married now or anytime soon, but if you at least still love me that much to think about it one day, than I know you are serious and you love me as much as I love you.

I will always love you more though so na na na na boo boo!!! :P

thank you for being my north star <3

pushing on;;

It's true :)

I can not wait to see you and fall in love with you alllll over again!

Today was long. My days are always fast until the sun sets and then I have to force the time to go by, I always think about you 50000X more. I guess its just hard to lay in my bed all alone in a house that feels so empty. I gave everything back today, and IT SUCKED. :/ I have nothing left but memories to hold onto.

I miss you so much, it really does hurt. I don't know what to feel, I hope that you are still in love with me. I hope everything still wants to be worked out and that I am not alone in this. When this is all over, I want to be loved unconditionally and I hope I am not left behind. Time apart is scary. I feel loved, and I want it to continue! :)

I'll do anything for you. I love you to the the next universe and back!

and I promise that WON'T change <3

Give me strength;;

Today wasn't too bad. I actually slept in for the first time however I woke up and bawled my eyes out watching trailers to the movie the vow. I hope this year I have a valentine! I promise I would make it so fun!
I paced back and forth wishing you were at my door.

Doing things we used to do makes me sad but it's the closets thing I have right now, so tonight I made fried Oreos!!!!! They were delicious!!!! I wore AK brewing CO. Pants, they got a little dirty! Haha :)

Some days are harder but I think of you and you give me so much faith, please continue to love me and know that we will get through this because I am scared. I know exactly what I want but I'm up against a wall and I'm trying my hardest to let things take course and just believe that they will be alright. I miss your smile. Pictures just aren't the same! :/

God gave me you for a reason and I know we aren't done yet!

17 days left, almost 16!
395.5 hours left. :)

Craving your touch <3

bedtime;;

I can't sleep.

my mind is wandering.

my heart is hurting.

I want to feel loved.

I feel like Juliet.

My bed is the living room, it has been ever since I got out. I haven't been able to sleep in my room yet. I slept at my house alone last night instead of staying with someone, I'm trying to do it again tonight, but I am having too much trouble sleeping.

I get my help tomorrow, I am interested to see what this is going to be like. I just hope they will understand that this was a once in a lifetime thing and do not judge me off of this.


I love lazy sundays!!!! :)


I'm in love and I know I am headed in the right direction because I am following my north star <3

wanting to feel magic again;;

my weekends are the longest, maybe because I don't have school to keep me busy.

my weekends used to consist of drinking and partying.
I refuse to drink. I have too much to lose, and I don't want to risk losing that, EVER.
I almost made a choice last night, I needed to calm my nerves, and then refused. I want nothing but the best from here on out. I want people to see the good in me and see that I really am a good person and only want the best for myself and everyone around me.
I have appointments with counselors on campus. I want to get the proper help that I need, I don't want to act out again. I am hoping this week they will help me with any issues I may have now and hopefully help me take the next step in knowing what to do when, if any, future situations arise. I realize I am on a very short leash, and I want to do anything that will help me lenghten that.

I know things can be this magical. ----->
I have also been told my whole life that the best things in life aren't free, and you have to work for the things that you want most, but I have also been told that IT IS WORTH IT. Now I continue to be strong because I know that this is one of those situations. Everyone always remembers their first time experiences, one day, I will look back and laugh at this, its only a matter of time.

I'm holding on tight and I'm not letting go <3

Continuing on;;

Well it's been one week. Tonight I am going out with my volleyball girls, it's Ashley's birthday, I'm not drinking. I don't want to anymore.

I hope tonight goes well, I'm trying so hard, even when I feel alone, I just think about all the great things that happened and I remind myself that I got this! Game face bro :)

20 days :)

<3

smile, things will be ok :)

process;;

going through this process stinks. its hard to sit around and wait when you are scared for yourself. the countdown is three weeks. . . 21 days.

I am going to look at this in a positive way and put it in terms of a "habit".
I know it takes 21 days to break a habit, so I am going to pretend that this is a habit that I am going to break. I will be strong, I will pretend that the habit I am trying to break is being a "bad girl". I can do this!!!!

I will not just do this for myself though.

hopefully once this "habit" is broke, everyone can move forward. :)

keep checking in though, this habit will be journey. <3

new experiences in life;;

well you know what they say, you should try everything at least once right?
so I thought I would, and in this case, I NEVER EVER want to make that choice ever again!!!!!

It hasn't even been one week and I already feel like I have learned SO much from this experience. I know God doesnt put obstacles in front of us that He knows we can't handle but this one was close, or so I thought. They also say that once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go from there is up. That's what I am going to do, go up.

In a matter of one weekend I learned to; not fight, love hard, forgive easily, love the small things, stay strong, and to learn, reflect, and grow from every opportunity you get and experience.

1. Don't fight. you may think in the scene of things that nothing is wrong except for a few hurtful words being thrown around, but as I learned, things can escalate VERY QUICKLY. when a person is mad, a chemical is released in the brain that alters your reasoning. it may be very hard, but try to relax, or walk away. My problem was I could never walk away from something I am SO passionate about, but I can't control everything, only myself and my actions. words as well as actions are VERY hurtful and I realize that, and I made a huge mistake in even thinking any of it was ok to say or do at the time.

2. Love hard. If you love something as much as you feel or say, do it. I learned not to take the love that I was given for granted. Its not until you are completely alone in a 4X4 cell that you really crave the attention you've had all along. Love hard, but safe. Love is fragile and should always been taken with care. <3 I've thought long and hard and learned that love is love, it doesnt measure, so big or small, it is still the same feeling and meaning. Don't take that special feeling for granted like I did and will never again do.

3. Forgive easily. I forgive you. There is no point in being mad, what's done is done. The only true way I can move on from this and move forward is to say I forgive you, and I do. Besides when you love something, you love its flaws. Some experiences are just that, flaws, and I will learn and move forward. I have to admit that part of me forgives so easy because im scared shitless :'/ but that's where I learn that in order to keep strong and keep yourself out of some situations, you just have to forgive, so I feel that there's nothing wrong with that.

4. Love the small things. there isn't much to say about this, other than to just do it. There are places on this planet that don't have anything at all, and when you experience nothing, you learn to love anything and everything. I have to say that I'm pretty good with noticing the small things, so please continue them, I will show more passion towards those actions people do for me in my life <3

5. Stay strong. No feeling is harder to deal with than helplessness. I felt it. . . and all of it at once. I felt lonely, sad, depressed, scared, sick, helpless, pathetic, sorry, cold, low, undeserving, and the list could go on. But I hit rock bottom, I had to dig in myself and try to think positive. I just want to find the positive things in life, I feel like I have felt and seen enough of the negative to realize that I NEVER want to be back on that side of the spectrum. God blessed me with all the things I have in my life and they are all positive, and I want them to stay <3

6. Learn, reflect, and grow. Well this takes time. Time is currently passing and I am learning, and will continue to learn. I am growing from this experience to know better next time and I have done nothing but reflected my past week. I can admit that even something as simple as looking at the white walls in my house scares me, and here I am sitting in my living room trying to reflect and overcome this 'fear' that I have picked up from one experience. Its getting easier :) and that's how I know I am growing. I will and want to grow from every aspect of this situation and MAKE IT BETTER, for everyone!

People say shit happens, yea shit does happen, but I take full responsibilty for my actions, I can't take it for anyone else, but myself. I have control only over myself and I am sorry to everyone I hurt this past week. I want to change things, I am going to change things, and only for the positive, and I know who and what I want in my life to join me on that journey, but I only have control over me. Others can make their own decisions, but if they wish, I am here and willing to take the steps forward and do whatever I have to do to put this behind me.

just know a day or night doesn't pass that I am not with you and that I am not sorry for everything I did to hurt you.

I will forever love you<3