well you know what they say, you should try everything at least once right?
so I thought I would, and in this case, I NEVER EVER want to make that choice ever again!!!!!
It hasn't even been one week and I already feel like I have learned SO much from this experience. I know God doesnt put obstacles in front of us that He knows we can't handle but this one was close, or so I thought. They also say that once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go from there is up. That's what I am going to do, go up.
In a matter of one weekend I learned to; not fight, love hard, forgive easily, love the small things, stay strong, and to learn, reflect, and grow from every opportunity you get and experience.
1. Don't fight. you may think in the scene of things that nothing is wrong except for a few hurtful words being thrown around, but as I learned, things can escalate VERY QUICKLY. when a person is mad, a chemical is released in the brain that alters your reasoning. it may be very hard, but try to relax, or walk away. My problem was I could never walk away from something I am SO passionate about, but I can't control everything, only myself and my actions. words as well as actions are VERY hurtful and I realize that, and I made a huge mistake in even thinking any of it was ok to say or do at the time.
2. Love hard. If you love something as much as you feel or say, do it. I learned not to take the love that I was given for granted. Its not until you are completely alone in a 4X4 cell that you really crave the attention you've had all along. Love hard, but safe. Love is fragile and should always been taken with care. <3 I've thought long and hard and learned that love is love, it doesnt measure, so big or small, it is still the same feeling and meaning. Don't take that special feeling for granted like I did and will never again do.
3. Forgive easily. I forgive you. There is no point in being mad, what's done is done. The only true way I can move on from this and move forward is to say I forgive you, and I do. Besides when you love something, you love its flaws. Some experiences are just that, flaws, and I will learn and move forward. I have to admit that part of me forgives so easy because im scared shitless :'/ but that's where I learn that in order to keep strong and keep yourself out of some situations, you just have to forgive, so I feel that there's nothing wrong with that.
4. Love the small things. there isn't much to say about this, other than to just do it. There are places on this planet that don't have anything at all, and when you experience nothing, you learn to love anything and everything. I have to say that I'm pretty good with noticing the small things, so please continue them, I will show more passion towards those actions people do for me in my life <3
5. Stay strong. No feeling is harder to deal with than helplessness. I felt it. . . and all of it at once. I felt lonely, sad, depressed, scared, sick, helpless, pathetic, sorry, cold, low, undeserving, and the list could go on. But I hit rock bottom, I had to dig in myself and try to think positive. I just want to find the positive things in life, I feel like I have felt and seen enough of the negative to realize that I NEVER want to be back on that side of the spectrum. God blessed me with all the things I have in my life and they are all positive, and I want them to stay <3
6. Learn, reflect, and grow. Well this takes time. Time is currently passing and I am learning, and will continue to learn. I am growing from this experience to know better next time and I have done nothing but reflected my past week. I can admit that even something as simple as looking at the white walls in my house scares me, and here I am sitting in my living room trying to reflect and overcome this 'fear' that I have picked up from one experience. Its getting easier :) and that's how I know I am growing. I will and want to grow from every aspect of this situation and MAKE IT BETTER, for everyone!
People say shit happens, yea shit does happen, but I take full responsibilty for my actions, I can't take it for anyone else, but myself. I have control only over myself and I am sorry to everyone I hurt this past week. I want to change things, I am going to change things, and only for the positive, and I know who and what I want in my life to join me on that journey, but I only have control over me. Others can make their own decisions, but if they wish, I am here and willing to take the steps forward and do whatever I have to do to put this behind me.
just know a day or night doesn't pass that I am not with you and that I am not sorry for everything I did to hurt you.
I will forever love you<3