Tuesday, November 27, 2012

frustration levels are to their max;;

I have only said the phrase "I can't do this anymore" a couple times in my life, and honestly meant it at the same time, and I could probably tell you each time it was. Looking back on those moments, do I still think I couldn't have done anything anymore. Yes. However, getting over those situations when I had nothing left to give made it easier knowing that I honestly couldn't do it anymore. I am not superman, I know I am not perfect and it's ok to realize that sometimes I can't do everything all the time.

I feel like this today. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. but in all reality, I CAN. which is why this puts my frustration levels to maximum capacity. I am so tired of being in a long distance relationship. I don't want it anymore. I want this person more than ever, but if they aren't around, is this just turning into me wanting something I can't have?
I am honestly sick and tired of saying I love you, I miss you, I want to be there, or any other phrase that fits into that category. They start to become empty words, they have no meaning. Words are nothing unless you can SHOW them, and right now, I can't show anything. I honestly probably say the phrase "I miss you" an average of 10 times a day, but does it really get through when a person just hears it all the time. I am tired of being alone, and sleeping with my computer on. I hate being attached to every piece of technology I own just to feel like I am a part of someone's life. IT IS EMOTIONALLY DRAINING. and usually when you are mentally drained, you have other parts to pick up slack, like physically, but there is no physical anything. I am physically attached to a computer, a telephone, or a stuffed penguin.

I want to go to dinners, or at least make them, I want to be touched with cuddles or hugs, I want kisses, I want to hear real laughter and see smiles that I bring. and most of all I want to be held on days like today where I am not my strongest, I want to be told it's ok and I love you and hear it from an actual mouth instead of speakers.

I'm tired. not of you, of the miles.

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