Reflection;

I was actually sitting here this morning and looking at my life, I usually am not one to do this, but damn I was just overwhelmed with joy!

I took a second to realize all the goals I first, set for myself, and then through trial and error accomplished those goals for no one but me. That is great. It also leads into how I applied myself in everything else and how it helps me bring something to the table in my forever relationship and my life.

I have always been one to work hard and try to always take care of things to the point of destruction. It was destroying me, and what I learned is when you destroy yourself, you destroy everything else that was formed because of me. This includes, goals, jobs, relationships, hobbies.
Now, I have learned to fight for what is healthy and let go of what isn't. It is crazy to see how much my life has changed in the last 5 years!

Michael, I can't thank your understanding enough. You understand me, what I set for myself, what I set for us and we work together for that!

As for myself, thank you for not giving up. It's hard to balance multiple things at once, but damn it feels good to reset, push and achieve!



So, what's next on the list? :)

everything will always be ok;;

PLANT DREAMS,

PULL WEEDS,

AND GROW

A HAPPY LIFE.

♥

letting go;;

"If you love something, let it go."



Right?! Maybe not!?

How do we know for sure? I guess we never do. I guess we never truly know anything. If we are given choices of different paths, we will only ever truly know the results of the path we actually took.

Well, after multiple paths that I took, I found you.


my t w i n f l a m e .


However, lets end this happy love story now.

Just because you find your twin flame, doesn't mean you'll be together, happy, forever.

That's right, the feeling of complete fullness, like your soul is no longer missing something. The willingness to make that person your priority no matter what, which by the way comes too easy. The burst of energy that you have, together, through sex and emotional connection all feels different. Lastly, what won me over, the patience to understand all the qualities I was not. It was the love that I finally had for what was opposite of me.



But like I said, I have to end this, abruptly.

Not by choice, God no. EVER.

But because it is what I have to do.

I have to let go of you.

It's so funny because tradition and society has taught us that loves relates to possession and a life of togetherness. That is not always love, but the fear of being alone.

Why would I want to lose you, I wouldn't. Problem is, I am damaging myself. I am thinking in all the wrong ways. I must let go in order to stop damaging myself. By damaging myself, I am damaging you, and the connection that we will forever have. I don't need to be in possession of anything, you are always with me. My reward was that you came into my physical life, at a time no one ever saw coming, and you touched me where no one has ever reached before. You connected with my soul, and my life will never be the same again.


So, this is me writing, from the deepest part of my soul, letting you know I love you more than anyone and anything can ever be explained, but I have to let go, for both of us.

Aimless;;

This is an aimless post.

To my future person, I just want to say I'm so happy. The way you do everything for me, I will never be able to thank you enough. I can't tell you how many countless tines I have waited for you to look at me deeper than anyone has. I think about how many times you have already believed in me more than I believe in myself at sometimes. You support everything I ever want and talk me through the things that don't make much sense. You see I am just trying to be a good person to everyone around me.

I know you're out there, I just can't wait to meet the willingness to go above and beyond. I hope I recognize it. And if I don't. Help me, because it's obviously something I need to learn.

Oh by the way, I love you. And I have waited a long time for you.
Until then. I am alone and trying to make myself the best person possible right now.

that's the way it is. . .

"When I see potential, I just gotta see it through. . .  "

Isn't that the truth to my life?

Every experience is supposed to shape you as a person right? Well, people are experiences too. 

As I sit here and reflect on life and all the "experiences" I have gotten the chance to go through I can't help but miss them. Totally normal right? It has to be, otherwise what is the point of even having memories?

Let's start at the beginning. And let's just call it what it is.

Andrew; I miss feeling like the only one for someone. 

Kyle; I miss the undeniable physical attraction.

Nick; I miss the spontaneity.

Brian; I miss the instant connection.

Mikey; I miss the potential to be the greatest and truest love ever found.

My one wish for all 6 of these people, with or without me, is that they see the potential I see in them. And to the absolute fullest. Andrew, you'll love someone for what they have to offer. Kyle, you'll love someone who understands you. Nick, you'll love someone who suits your current lifestyle. Brian, you'll love someone who accepts your realistic goals. Mike and Jared, you'll love hard when you both decide to love. 

I want you all to know that I saw these things, and I am proud of you all. I wish I could be the person you saw as seeing something amazing in you. That's just not how things happen for us. And who knows how they will happen. Just know I love you all, and as I sit here thinking about you all individually, I can't help but feel so much pride from you guys. I will never be able to thank you so much for sharing a piece of your life with me that made me a better person, I hope you can feel something somewhat similar. 

I love you. 

You make me beyond happy. 

That will NEVER change. 

365;;

Days.


3 6 5 d a y s .


Can you or I believe it? I know I can't.

It's hard. I have been thinking about this day all month. I can't believe it came already. The first 6 months were slow and hard. But then we started talking again and each day slipped by faster and faster. But now we aren't.

I won't lie, I am trying to stay positive but sometimes I just want to break down. My thoughts are so heavy sometimes it scares me. How did it become this way? Was this what you wanted?

I was so greatful for so many things. Did you know that 3 years ago, you and I were in Alaska and we were trick shot bowling? Competive, of course. But that's not what really mattered that night. It was what happened next. I lost a bet, we had to jump into the ocean. We knew it was cold, deep, and dark. But as we stood on the beach there together we grabbed hands and ran full speed into the ocean. We both fully commited to each other and kept our promises that were made that night to each other. It was a night I will NEVER forget.

I don't know if you are doing well or not, and I won't assume either one. I know I haven't talked to you. It's not that I don't want to, but I just feel like you don't want or need me to. I do assume you're better off without me.


I just want what is best for you. Always and forever.


Tomorrow is a new day, but I'll always love you.

first video;;

Well I am trying out my first video. Everyone knows I can NOT sing, but here I am doing it anyway.
This song is hitting home for me right now, I have to be without all this love, and I'll probably go under, but I know I will make it out alive.

Here is to trucking forward, no matter what that in tails.

to God, the universe, or whatever calls the shots;;

. . . what a FUCKING plan.

How many people do we actually know that can say, "yes, I pictured my life this way 5 years ago, and most of it came true!"
I can't name one, including myself.
So why do people ask that? Why do people ask what our plans are going to be years down the road, if NO ONE EVER FUCKING ACCOMPLISHES THOSE PLANS?!

I understand, that was excessive, but it's true.
I had plans, we all do. But now I wish I didn't.
My plans 10 years ago; married. children. college degree. good paying job. yadda yaaadddaaa.

reality; I am 25 years old. I live in my hometown. I have a college degree. I am single. And I do not own anything except my husky. And I work two decent paying jobs to make ends meet. I rent my house, I have $1,000 in savings, I still owe $12,000 on my car and $30,000 in student loans.
Where was this in my "plan". . .

Well, let's chalk it up to this is how my life is supposed to be.
I guess I am learning lessons.
Everyone says, I'll find "the one" to settle down with later. I will have kids later. A job will come. You'll own a house one day. Your student loans only last the next 10 years.
But how do you know? Quit trying to plan for me when my original plan didn't work out either.
My problem is that I live my life thinking that things are forever, they aren't. I always thought that if I love and put effort into something it had to do it back, it doesn't.

However, recently. I have learned everything comes full circle eventually, but only for those with unfinished business.
it's like g r a v i t y .
Let's have an honest moment, we all knew what Nick meant to me, clearly, as this blog has a bazillion posts to/about him when we were seperated by law. However, a year ago now on August 8th, he left me. I was no longer good enough in his eyes due to my actions. Well, its almost been a year, I thought we would be happy again, we aren't. I currently have let him go to be his own person, that's what he wants. What I want doesn't matter. . .
But here is where I feel like it really does. . . "full circle".

Kyle started talking to me again about 2 weeks ago. (Nick and I haven't spoken since July 9th) He always does his usual, miss your sex, miss your body, drive to Reno type of shit. Clearly I am being used. Which is why no degrading response is given and no I will not drive to Reno. However one day, something happened. "I know I don't ever say or show it, but I appreciate you and our friendship more than you know." "I really just miss you sometimes."
Brian, 3 weeks ago, starts off a conversation with "I should have never let you go" (I respond with an excuse me, what does that mean) "You knew how to treat me, you are the complete package and I fucked up with you, we could be living together somewhere fucking cheap with a huge house and I'd be working firefighting anywhere."
That's it. I am at a loss of words. What do I do. I already tried so hard in the past with these people and they never thought I deserved a second chance, why are they reaching out now for the second chance I was begging for before. They reached out the same way Nick reached out this year.
How am I supposed to feel. NONE of this was part of my plan. I was just trying to honestly love. I loved myself and I wanted to just love these people at these times in my life. I wanted everything for them because it gave me everything I wanted.
Now, none of them are around.
So as I lay here alone in my bed, pondering thoughts on why life cycles through the same paths sometimes (like why do similar events happen or why people come back into your life after they swore they would leave forever) I can't help but have some frustration towards the fact that whether the path is part of a new cycle or recreating an old one, we still have no control.

So raise a glass to who or whatever is calling the shots in my life. God, universe, or even mysteriously myself.
what a fucking ride.

Been awhile since I've done that;;

I cried myself to sleep last night. HARD.

Why did I do it? To be honest because it's hard for me.
It's hard for me to comprehend that things probably won't change. It's hard for me to lie to people I love when they ask what's wrong. I say nothing, I'm fine, but they know. And I know they know, which makes it harder. It's hard to look at you Oakley, you make me so happy that it hurts. It's hard for me to want to express myself so badly and then not know how to when I get the chance. It's hard for me to believe in myself when all I do is believe in others. It's hard to also fucking type this because I'm balling my eyes out and iPhones don't always autocorrect correctly.

I just want to be the best believer. In everyone and everything. But I broke down last night. I just love you but sometimes the way things happen it makes you not love yourself.
I am going to try to turn this around. God help me have the strength to do so. You have plans for me, I know. Just help me believe that believing in others is still ok and that we need people like me.

I don't want to cry myself to sleep another night.

life. . . and what it's really about;;

Many people try to figure this out, all the time. And of course naturally, you have SO many responses to the same question. . .

WHAT IS LIFE ABOUT?!

People will saying finding yourself; living; creating yourself; yada yaddddaaaa.
However, my biggest problem with all of these is that we aren't on this planet ALONE! Which is why the second he said it, I knew in my heart I was on the right track for myself.

He said, "It's about finding someone you want to share your life with."

Finally, at least someone who understands that I all want is someone to stand by me through every adventure we choose to take on.
Finally, the one person who we all thought would never commit to ANYTHING, has broken that mold.
Finally, I know my answer, now just to solve the one problem I still have, no takers.

You're out there somewhere, I know you are. In fact, you are probably reading this. Soon, I will write a post about how many adventures I have gone on with you, just know that finding you, was the greatest adventure I ever went on alone, however they will never compare to everything we are about to conquer together!! So until next time. . .

quarter of a century, native style.

It's your birthday. you are now 25. crazy.
I am sitting here wondering how you feel? and I mean truly feel, inside. what thoughts are going through your head? Do they make any sense? Are you going to act upon them? DO YOU MISS ME?
I saw you last week, but I haven't seen or heard from you since. You told me things were going to be different, because YOU wanted them that way. Buuuuut, I am a back burner thought, I know that's all I'll ever be from here on. But I still can't help but think about you, today is your day.
Well let me share some birthday wishes I have for you; 1. You remain healthy. 2. You stay out of unnecessary trouble. 3. You relax. 4. You find it.
I miss the happy sparkle in your heart. Happy Birthday Robert Nicholas Thein II
May all your dreams come true <3

what you, Robert Nicholas Thein II, deserve;;

Words cannot even fathom.
I really wish I could put into words all of the things that you deserve, but fortunately for the world, some feelings are never meant to be altered into words. You deserve things that go far beyond your wildest dreams. First off, let me describe what you feel like to me:
First and foremost, YOU FEEL LIKE HOME.
I can't tell you how many times we have held each other and it felt like I was home, in the exact place I was forever meant to be. I felt good things and bad things alike, but just as a solid home has, it had character, some days the sun shined perfectly, others it snowed so deep, you thought things would never thaw, but they always did. SHIT ALWAYS BUFFED OUT. Your heartbeat was the melody to my life. Laying on your chest and hearing your heart was one of the most magical things to me. It drowned out everything I wanted to forget about so I could listen to the only thing that mattered, it is the safest place in the world, that is home.
In my home, I had the most natural cure for every illness, physically or mentally, I had ever encountered - your laugh.
The high squeaky one where you closed your eyes and grabbed your chest is my all time favorite, that is how I knew your laugh is genuine. You always turned bright red and placed your right hand over your heart. Your laughter cured not only my soul, but seemed to do the same for you.
This leads to your sense of knowing. Knowing when to do absolutely everything. When to hold me, when to speak, when to shit talk, and when to not. Knowing to just trust me, when to guide me, knowing when to push and when to not. And most importantly, when to just blend up a margarita. Now of course every system has flaws, but shit always buffs out and we built a network of gears that supported each other based on your knowledge. Take credit for the foundation you built, that is one of the manliest things you have done in my eyes, you supported me.
that right there, takes strength.
you have crazy amounts of strength. you are so courageous it scares you. I wish so badly that you could see it. Go stare in a mirror for two minutes, look deep in your eyes. There is so much character behind them and I was blessed looking into those eyes for 3 1/2 years. I can only say now that I wish you had the courage to just stay. But as people say, everything happens for a reason.
But this is where I can tell you this is what you deserve.

You are gifted, smart, funny, handsome, talented, experienced, relatable, and adaptable. (feel free to insert more adjectives)

You truly are a blessing to absolutely everyone around you, including strangers. I would kill at a chance to do it all over again with you. The experiences you show people and the things that you teach are unreal. You too deserve to be around people who will do the same for you. Explore, love and be free. You deserve to laugh, it really does cure this world and I wish everyone got your sense of humor, I envy the fact you threw a full glass of beer across a bar yelling "Kobe!". Native moment or not, it took balls. You deserve to lay peacefully under the Northern Lights. You are like me, fast. The perfect social butterfly, but the lights that I see in your eyes match those that dance in the Northern skies. It is alright if there are days you want to take it slow, do it, you deserve it. You deserve to speak and be understood when you decide not to talk. Surround yourself with those people that just know. JUST LIKE YOU. You just know when something is off, it's like a sixth sense. It will help when you don't always have the words. Most importantly, you deserve love. 100%, pure crazy, unpredictable, uncomparable, husky love. There is always good and bad to everything. When it's bad, it's bad, but make sure your goods outweigh the bads. Love the stupid things like trotting in the park and curly tails of curiosity. Take every challenge, fight it with the same passion I see when you stare at the Bellagio Fountains and surround yourself with all different kinds of love, it's healthy. Friends, family, lovers, pets, they are all different.

My only fear is that you will never understand how amazing you truly are, not just to me, but to many people.
I wanted to write to you because if I can never tell you again, at least you can always read this and remind yourself. Besides the select few people in my life that you know I have been blessed with, my biggest blessing has been you. I will never love anyone the way I have loved you and still love you to this very day. I often stare at your side of the bed where the husk sleeps, and it gets harder for me to breathe. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. BE PROUD OF THAT. GIVE YOURSELF MORE CREDIT. No matter what decisions you decide to make in your life, I will forever stand by them, 100%. You have changed my life for the better, I hope you can say the same. I am SO proud of you Nick. I love you Creative Native.

BF to PP, forever and always.
-Sexi Mexi

ending 2014;;

I don't need to publish on the year or at least what has happened in the past 4 months. Trust me when I say a lot has happened and a lot has changed my life drastically, maybe for the better, maybe not, it still changes day to day. That lesson still has yet to be learned. I can tell you I am choosing to remain positive about the current situation. Time is only going to keep on passing, here is to 2015! Be safe everyone!

short update;;

Sorry, it has been awhile, things have been crazy, but I love every second of it. Nick has made the brave move to Las Vegas!!!! We now live together and although things are somewhat different, the relationship is easier to manage. Things are keeping up with work and Vemma is going well too! We just wanted to say hello and give you the short update! :)

frustration levels are to their max;;

I have only said the phrase "I can't do this anymore" a couple times in my life, and honestly meant it at the same time, and I could probably tell you each time it was. Looking back on those moments, do I still think I couldn't have done anything anymore. Yes. However, getting over those situations when I had nothing left to give made it easier knowing that I honestly couldn't do it anymore. I am not superman, I know I am not perfect and it's ok to realize that sometimes I can't do everything all the time.

I feel like this today. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. but in all reality, I CAN. which is why this puts my frustration levels to maximum capacity. I am so tired of being in a long distance relationship. I don't want it anymore. I want this person more than ever, but if they aren't around, is this just turning into me wanting something I can't have?
I am honestly sick and tired of saying I love you, I miss you, I want to be there, or any other phrase that fits into that category. They start to become empty words, they have no meaning. Words are nothing unless you can SHOW them, and right now, I can't show anything. I honestly probably say the phrase "I miss you" an average of 10 times a day, but does it really get through when a person just hears it all the time. I am tired of being alone, and sleeping with my computer on. I hate being attached to every piece of technology I own just to feel like I am a part of someone's life. IT IS EMOTIONALLY DRAINING. and usually when you are mentally drained, you have other parts to pick up slack, like physically, but there is no physical anything. I am physically attached to a computer, a telephone, or a stuffed penguin.

I want to go to dinners, or at least make them, I want to be touched with cuddles or hugs, I want kisses, I want to hear real laughter and see smiles that I bring. and most of all I want to be held on days like today where I am not my strongest, I want to be told it's ok and I love you and hear it from an actual mouth instead of speakers.

I'm tired. not of you, of the miles.

22 mother effin days;;

haha I am so excited that I get to see you in roughly 22 days, maybe 23 if I go to California with my family. But still, I am so excited. I miss you more than you will ever know and I hope each day you never forget that! I love you!!!!!

Guess it could be worse;;

So of course all I think about these days is you and the fact that we are apart. I hate it!! So much!!! But then again, when I think about it and try to be positive, it could be a lot worse. At least you aren't a missionary. Yea I know it's a bad comparison for you because that's a Mormon thing but it's true. When the guys are away they can only write letter. That means no seeing your face on Skype or texts, calls, or social networking for a whole 2 years. I would wait for you then too but I am going to try my hardest to look at the bright side of things. These little amounts of time we spend apart will soon not even be a thought in my mind when I see you. I remember all the times I cried and missed you while I was waiting for summer, but the second I saw you, I forgot I even waited that long. You make me so happy and I know you're worth waiting for. And I want to wait for you so I can be with you forever. I love you baby. Just a little bit longer!!!!! Kisses from here to there, all over your body! :)

whispering panties;;

I am laying here in your bed, smelling haha. I LOVE YOU BABY.

Miss you;

Yep I still think about you allll the time and I always read what you had to say. Funny stuff sometimes.

I miss you and I can't wait to see you!

Love youuu!

You mean so much to me! I'm excited to see what our future has in store :)))