that's the way it is. . .

"When I see potential, I just gotta see it through. . .  "

Isn't that the truth to my life?

Every experience is supposed to shape you as a person right? Well, people are experiences too. 

As I sit here and reflect on life and all the "experiences" I have gotten the chance to go through I can't help but miss them. Totally normal right? It has to be, otherwise what is the point of even having memories?

Let's start at the beginning. And let's just call it what it is.

Andrew; I miss feeling like the only one for someone. 

Kyle; I miss the undeniable physical attraction.

Nick; I miss the spontaneity.

Brian; I miss the instant connection.

Mikey; I miss the potential to be the greatest and truest love ever found.

My one wish for all 6 of these people, with or without me, is that they see the potential I see in them. And to the absolute fullest. Andrew, you'll love someone for what they have to offer. Kyle, you'll love someone who understands you. Nick, you'll love someone who suits your current lifestyle. Brian, you'll love someone who accepts your realistic goals. Mike and Jared, you'll love hard when you both decide to love. 

I want you all to know that I saw these things, and I am proud of you all. I wish I could be the person you saw as seeing something amazing in you. That's just not how things happen for us. And who knows how they will happen. Just know I love you all, and as I sit here thinking about you all individually, I can't help but feel so much pride from you guys. I will never be able to thank you so much for sharing a piece of your life with me that made me a better person, I hope you can feel something somewhat similar. 

I love you. 

You make me beyond happy. 

That will NEVER change. 

365;;

Days.


3 6 5 d a y s .


Can you or I believe it? I know I can't.

It's hard. I have been thinking about this day all month. I can't believe it came already. The first 6 months were slow and hard. But then we started talking again and each day slipped by faster and faster. But now we aren't.

I won't lie, I am trying to stay positive but sometimes I just want to break down. My thoughts are so heavy sometimes it scares me. How did it become this way? Was this what you wanted?

I was so greatful for so many things. Did you know that 3 years ago, you and I were in Alaska and we were trick shot bowling? Competive, of course. But that's not what really mattered that night. It was what happened next. I lost a bet, we had to jump into the ocean. We knew it was cold, deep, and dark. But as we stood on the beach there together we grabbed hands and ran full speed into the ocean. We both fully commited to each other and kept our promises that were made that night to each other. It was a night I will NEVER forget.

I don't know if you are doing well or not, and I won't assume either one. I know I haven't talked to you. It's not that I don't want to, but I just feel like you don't want or need me to. I do assume you're better off without me.


I just want what is best for you. Always and forever.


Tomorrow is a new day, but I'll always love you.

first video;;

Well I am trying out my first video. Everyone knows I can NOT sing, but here I am doing it anyway.
This song is hitting home for me right now, I have to be without all this love, and I'll probably go under, but I know I will make it out alive.

Here is to trucking forward, no matter what that in tails.

to God, the universe, or whatever calls the shots;;

. . . what a FUCKING plan.

How many people do we actually know that can say, "yes, I pictured my life this way 5 years ago, and most of it came true!"
I can't name one, including myself.
So why do people ask that? Why do people ask what our plans are going to be years down the road, if NO ONE EVER FUCKING ACCOMPLISHES THOSE PLANS?!

I understand, that was excessive, but it's true.
I had plans, we all do. But now I wish I didn't.
My plans 10 years ago; married. children. college degree. good paying job. yadda yaaadddaaa.

reality; I am 25 years old. I live in my hometown. I have a college degree. I am single. And I do not own anything except my husky. And I work two decent paying jobs to make ends meet. I rent my house, I have $1,000 in savings, I still owe $12,000 on my car and $30,000 in student loans.
Where was this in my "plan". . .

Well, let's chalk it up to this is how my life is supposed to be.
I guess I am learning lessons.
Everyone says, I'll find "the one" to settle down with later. I will have kids later. A job will come. You'll own a house one day. Your student loans only last the next 10 years.
But how do you know? Quit trying to plan for me when my original plan didn't work out either.
My problem is that I live my life thinking that things are forever, they aren't. I always thought that if I love and put effort into something it had to do it back, it doesn't.

However, recently. I have learned everything comes full circle eventually, but only for those with unfinished business.
it's like g r a v i t y .
Let's have an honest moment, we all knew what Nick meant to me, clearly, as this blog has a bazillion posts to/about him when we were seperated by law. However, a year ago now on August 8th, he left me. I was no longer good enough in his eyes due to my actions. Well, its almost been a year, I thought we would be happy again, we aren't. I currently have let him go to be his own person, that's what he wants. What I want doesn't matter. . .
But here is where I feel like it really does. . . "full circle".

Kyle started talking to me again about 2 weeks ago. (Nick and I haven't spoken since July 9th) He always does his usual, miss your sex, miss your body, drive to Reno type of shit. Clearly I am being used. Which is why no degrading response is given and no I will not drive to Reno. However one day, something happened. "I know I don't ever say or show it, but I appreciate you and our friendship more than you know." "I really just miss you sometimes."
Brian, 3 weeks ago, starts off a conversation with "I should have never let you go" (I respond with an excuse me, what does that mean) "You knew how to treat me, you are the complete package and I fucked up with you, we could be living together somewhere fucking cheap with a huge house and I'd be working firefighting anywhere."
That's it. I am at a loss of words. What do I do. I already tried so hard in the past with these people and they never thought I deserved a second chance, why are they reaching out now for the second chance I was begging for before. They reached out the same way Nick reached out this year.
How am I supposed to feel. NONE of this was part of my plan. I was just trying to honestly love. I loved myself and I wanted to just love these people at these times in my life. I wanted everything for them because it gave me everything I wanted.
Now, none of them are around.
So as I lay here alone in my bed, pondering thoughts on why life cycles through the same paths sometimes (like why do similar events happen or why people come back into your life after they swore they would leave forever) I can't help but have some frustration towards the fact that whether the path is part of a new cycle or recreating an old one, we still have no control.

So raise a glass to who or whatever is calling the shots in my life. God, universe, or even mysteriously myself.
what a fucking ride.

Been awhile since I've done that;;

I cried myself to sleep last night. HARD.

Why did I do it? To be honest because it's hard for me.
It's hard for me to comprehend that things probably won't change. It's hard for me to lie to people I love when they ask what's wrong. I say nothing, I'm fine, but they know. And I know they know, which makes it harder. It's hard to look at you Oakley, you make me so happy that it hurts. It's hard for me to want to express myself so badly and then not know how to when I get the chance. It's hard for me to believe in myself when all I do is believe in others. It's hard to also fucking type this because I'm balling my eyes out and iPhones don't always autocorrect correctly.

I just want to be the best believer. In everyone and everything. But I broke down last night. I just love you but sometimes the way things happen it makes you not love yourself.
I am going to try to turn this around. God help me have the strength to do so. You have plans for me, I know. Just help me believe that believing in others is still ok and that we need people like me.

I don't want to cry myself to sleep another night.